US flag changed to orange, purple and white to match Trump’s face

THE stars-and-stripes is switching colour scheme to orange, purple and white to match President Trump’s facial colouring. 

The red stripes will be replaced by a shade called atomic tangerine, the white stripes slightly altered to be the pallid, unhealthy colour of a 70-year-old’s wrinkled eyes, and the stars set in a field of thistle purple.

Ivanka Trump, the president’s official handler and pharmacist, said: “The old design was fine for presidents who didn’t have their own real estate, clothing and lifestyle brands, but that’s not Trump.

“We wanted something that said luxury, that said exclusive, that would encourage other nations to aspire to the standard we set, and what better than my father’s varicoloured face?

“Now, whenever anyone swears allegiance to the flag they also swear allegiance to Trump, Trump Hotels, Trump Golf, Trump Casinos, the Success by Trump fragrance and Trump Model Management.”

Ivanka added: “We considered gold and inlaid Italian marble obviously, but we’re reserving those for our makeover of the military.”