By Joe Turner III, swamp boat operator
AS a proud resident of Alabama who has never even visited New York, I’m an expert on the hellish lives of UK residents. Let me tell you Brits about it:
Sadiq Khan is your King
The monarchy was usurped shortly after Trump’s visit. Charles is in the Tower of London now, with the ravens and his brother. Khan rules London as King on a throne made of Christian bones. From it he orders his E-bike gangs to snatch celebrity Rolexes. He wears ten on each arm and pretends his arms are made of gold.
Christianity is illegal and so is Christmas
If you say ‘Merry Christmas’ in Britain? You’ll be imprisoned, same as if you dare tweet support for Trump which is why they don’t. They actually have huge Christmas jails, policed by armed asylum seekers. One time this loving couple in their 80s tried to pull a cracker, hidden by their sleeves, under cover of darkness. They were shot.
Speech is illegal
It wasn’t enough for the Brits to make some speech illegal. Khan knew people would try and express forbidden sentiments using irony, which is this kind of code they have over there similar to pig Latin. So now it’s illegal for any of them to speak. They all just have to be silent the whole time. They can’t even be polite, which kills them.
They all wish they were American
Also goes for the rest of Europe. They pretend they’ve got their own culture and language but it’s just a front like when a woman says she isn’t interested in you. Britons watch Law & Order just like we do and yearn to have all our shit, like enormous pick-up trucks and an armed populace. An invasion would be greeted with open arms and garlands of roses.
Tommy Robinson is leading the human resistance
There’s this one brave guy, Tommy Robinson? He will not bow down to the new Caliphate founded on the ashes of London. He’s hiding in a place called Tenerife in the Scottish Highlands, with only a rag-tag army of patriots and £500m of funding from Elon Musk. All Britain supports him. He actually won the last election but they rigged it.
All the above also applies to Ireland
Little known fact, Ireland is also British. It’s why they all talk English. Dublin isn’t, that’s a theme park operated by the Disney corporation, but yeah, same King, same people, same weather. The IRA, Boston’s Army as we know them, were actually fighting for liberation from the immigrants. Great bunch of guys. Not like Khan’s terrorists.
