Winter Olympics degenerates into Razzle magazine photoshoot

THE Winter Olympics has switched its focus from sport to softcore pornography.

As photos of female athletes naked except for skis and hats continue to emerge, organisers said today’s scheduled events were being postponed for the production of a Razzle magazine ‘Snow Crumpet’ special.

A Winter Olympics spokesman said: “We’ve concluded that female nudity is, and will always be, more popular than curling.

“But the pictures will be really nice and tasteful, on the theme of ‘lesbian snowball fight’. With professional make-up artists to make the girls feel a million dollars.”

He added: “Reaching for the top shelf in your newsagent is both great exercise and symbolises the Olympic spirit of striving for the pinnacle.”

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Welfare reform is Luke Skywalker, says Cameron

THE prime minister has claimed that welfare reform offers ‘new hope’, like Luke Skywalker at the beginning of Star Wars.

David Cameron said that, like Skywalker, the reforms were ‘the child of a hideous villain who loves to kill’.

But he insisted Iain Duncan Smith would eventually reject the dark side and ‘become a friendly ghost like Obi Wan’.

He added: “Like young Skywalker on Tatooine, we don’t yet know if these reforms will have the patience and dedication to become a Jedi.

“The reforms need to go to the Degobah system, eat stew with a goblin and do some handstands next to a swamp.”

Mr Cameron insisted welfare policy was working hand-in-hand with the cut in the upper rate of income tax, which he described as the ‘Han Solo of fiscal reform’.

He said: “When you add in the Princess Leia free schools and the R2D2 rail link to Birmingham, we will all soon be partying with the Ewoks of Prosperity.”