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World clubbing together to buy Trump an overseas territory to shut him up

THE world is trying to decide on an overseas territory it can award to Trump to satisfy his ambition to acquire one during his second term. 

After the president unveiled plans to buy the Chagos Islands, following previous ambitions to own Greenland and Pamama, the United Nations has decided he is not going to shut up until he gets something so they might as well decide what.

A UN spokesman said: “Britain, weren’t you having some issues with Northern Ireland? He might like that. Though we’d have to decorate.

“It doesn’t really matter where. Ideally he’s after something of ‘strategic importance’ but he doesn’t rule out bombing anyone so we can always upsell it. Palau? You were on season ten of Survivor. He’ll have seen that.

“I know, I know, nobody wants to be a US Overseas Territory without any rights, we’ve all seen Puerto Rico. But if it’s this or an invasion then surely it’s better this? And if it’s down to being bought by us or Trump, we’ll actually pay you.

“Dominican Republic? Grenada? Lesotho, I’m sorry but you’re landlocked and he’s obsessed with beachfronts. All it means in practical terms is Air Force One touches down, a photo opportunity with him holding a gold thing he’ll take home, done. Is that so bad?

“Look, if we can’t get a volunteer we’ll have to go with plan B: make somewhere up and give him that. It worked for FIFA.”

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Throuples are solution to cost of living crisis

YOUNG Britons are entering into three-way romantic and sexual relationships because they are a great way to keep rent and bills down. 

Gen Z has confessed that going out with two people simultaneously is nothing but hassle, but a third income means a third person to split the cost of hummus with.

Marketing executive Sophie Rodriguez, 26, said: “I make out it’s a wild adventure in ethical non-monogamy, but in reality the most arousing part is we can afford three streaming subscriptions.

“Everyone imagines the three of us sharing a bed in endless new erotic configurations. Actually we’re snuggling for warmth. It’s less PornHub fantasy and more the grandparents in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

“Plus two women on one dick means we get more nights off. What makes an ideal third? Mature, employed, solvent. Jayden has Tesco Clubcard points and a car. That’s a man worth going halves on.

“It’s a committed relationship, we’re paying council tax together. And there are never arguments about jealousy or trust issues, only about who used the last of the milk.”

Married man Julian Cook, aged 40, said: “I’ve been trying to persuade my wife to include a third in our relationship. But tragically, our earnings are high enough to comfortably pay the mortgage.”

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