You are with SodaStream or you are with the terrorists, says Johansson

SCARLETT Johansson has defined the modern world as a battle between SodaStream and evil.

The actress quit as an Oxfam ambassador and accused the aid organisation of blocking SodaStream’s campaign to bring cheap, homemade fizzy drinks to millions of poor people.

And she insisted that SodaStream’s factory in the occupied West Bank was humanity’s ‘last, best hope’ against ugly, extremist charities.

Johansson said: “Unlike Oxfam and terrorism, the SodaStream farty noise makes me giggle every time.

“When I’m all hot and sticky, nothing cools me down like SodaStream. I love to giggle and make SodaStream while I prance around in just my underpants.

“Oxfam hates freedom and refreshment and does not look good in underpants.”

Johansson added: “Give a man a bottle of lemonade and he drinks for a day. Give him a SodaStream and he drinks lemonade for life.

“As long as he has a fresh water supply and no-one bulldozes his house.”

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Labour leadership reform 'will prevent Milibands'

LABOUR is to change way it elects its leader in the hope it will result in the election of a leader.

The party has drawn up radical reforms after its last two leadership elections went horribly wrong.

Ed Miliband, the ‘winner’ of the most recent ballot, said: “After the Scottish person, we hoped we would learn from that ghastly mistake. But no.

“My campaign started out as a practical joke on my brother.

“But then I realised I could help him by being the person you were obviously not supposed to vote for.

“No-one was more horrified than me when the unions gave me their support. As I stood on the conference stage, basking in my ‘victory’, I was thinking, ‘oh dear god, this is awful’.

He added: “Now, because of the Conservatives, I’m probably going to win the general election and embark on an utterly disastrous premiership.

“But recent history tells us that will not be enough to prevent something like me happening again and again.

“By introducing one-member-one-vote the party can be sure it will always be led by a right-wing middle class Englishman.

“Who thinks he’s Jesus.”