Are you f**king knackered?

ARE you the most tired person in your office, marriage or possibly the world? Take our quiz if you can summon up the strength.

Did you try to lock the front door with the car key fob this morning?

A) No, I am tired, not an idiot.

B) Yes, how else would I lock the front door? Duh.

C) SHIT! I think I left the door wide open, but I can’t remember. I’d better go home and check. Where do I live again?

You are really hungry but the kitchen is too far away. Do you:

A) Think about dialling for a takeaway but decide tapping the buttons is too much effort.

B) Pretend you’ve wanted to eat a tin of baked beans and mini pork sausages cold with a spoon for ages.

C) Starve to death.

What on earth did you come into this room for?

A) I am not sure, but if I stare into space for long enough it might come back to me.

B) Something to do with Brexit?

C) How the hell did I get in here? What is this place?

You are lying on the sofa when the landline starts ringing. Do you:

A) Ignore it. If it’s urgent they’ll leave a voicemail you can never check.

B) Feel irrationally angry and shout “For fuck’s sake who’s phoning at this time?”, ie. 11am.

C) Assume it’s just the ringing in your ears and do nothing.

How many times have you said “I’m so tired” today?

A) Enough to make people bored rather than sympathetic.

B) Every time someone speaks to you, looks at you or comes within a five-mile radius of you.

C) Stop asking me questions. I’m so tired I need a little cry.

Mostly As: You are tired. But so is everyone these days. Drink some coffee, snowflake.

Mostly Bs: You are quite knackered. There may be a connection with getting shitfaced every night this week and watching Netflix till 3am. Ask your doctor.

Mostly Cs: You are totally knackered. Stop fucking around with quizzes and see if you can get away with curling up under your desk like a hamster.

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Indicating when turning now on an 'if you feel like it' basis

USING your indicators to alert other drivers that you are about to turn off the road is no longer mandatory, the government has announced.

The Department for Transport said it was finally catching up with the lax attitude of the public toward the more basic aspects of the Highway Code, as witnessed daily on Britain’s roads.

A spokesman said: “20 years ago we’d have said, ‘Absolutely always indicate every time. No fucking exceptions. D’you want a shunt? D’you want to mow down a kid on a tricycle?’

“But now we’re a lot more ‘meh’. Stand at any junction, only about one in three drivers bothers indicating these days. It’s become an outdated ‘olde worlde’ convention, like tipping your hat to a lady.

“So we’ve loosened up. Do your own thing. Swing out across the road when you feel like it. Suddenly swerve round a parked car. Keep it unpredictable. Keep it exciting.”

The DfT is now planning to relax the rules on other bad driving practices, such as encouraging your dog to take the wheel to find out if it can secretly drive.

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