Christmas lights switch-on performed by pissed-off dad

A FAMILY’S Christmas lights switch-on has been performed by a father who has been up and down ladders untangling this shit all f**king day.

Tom Booker, aged 46, gathered his family for the grand switch-on at 6pm yesterday in the most festive of foul moods after an eight-hour ordeal.

Giving a speech, he said: “Just pop up the loft and get them, she said. Have you any idea how much crap there is in that loft? No, because it’s only muggins who goes up there.

“First I had to work out which ones are for outside and that’s a bastard of a job because they don’t come labelled. Then I’m pissing around with a stepladder in the freezing cold for an hour just so we’re not outshone by the neighbours.

“Then I have to get the inside ones, and the candy canes lining the garden path I was very expressly against buying in the first place, and of course we can’t have one set of lights on the tree, oh no, that wouldn’t be Christmassy enough.

“Of course we’ve got none of the instructions so setting them to come on at the right time means buggering about on YouTube, and arse knows how much the electric bill’s going to be.

“Anyway. I now declare it to be Christmas. I’m having a f**king beer.”

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Rough as f**k parishioners attending flat-roofed church 

A TERRIFYING church with a flat roof is frequented by worshippers who look like they would shank you just to get a quid for the collection plate. 

Saint Saviour’s dominates a housing estate in Swindon and is viewed by many locals as a no-go area full of angry Christians looking for a fight.

Resident Martin Bishop said: “It was built on the estate in the 1960s to be a friendly focal point for the community, but these days it just attracts trouble. The police are in there most weekends.

“I popped by last Christmas as they were singing carols, and the floor was sticky with communion wine and half the stained glass windows were boarded up.

“Helen, the elderly church warden, approached me. She had one hand on a collection plate and the other hand inside her cardigan. Did she have a knife? A hammer? I didn’t take any chances and emptied my wallet. She smirked and said ‘Peace be with you’ in a very threatening way.

“I’m not going in there again, I’d rather face my soul burning in eternal hell than those mad faithful bastards.”

Reverend Norman Steele said: “Sadly, a lot of people find a church environment intimidating and that’s why our congregation is dwindling. I do hope more locals start attending soon or I’ll have to f**k them up.”