A FAMILY’S Christmas lights switch-on has been performed by a father who has been up and down ladders untangling this shit all f**king day.
Tom Booker, aged 46, gathered his family for the grand switch-on at 6pm yesterday in the most festive of foul moods after an eight-hour ordeal.
Giving a speech, he said: “Just pop up the loft and get them, she said. Have you any idea how much crap there is in that loft? No, because it’s only muggins who goes up there.
“First I had to work out which ones are for outside and that’s a bastard of a job because they don’t come labelled. Then I’m pissing around with a stepladder in the freezing cold for an hour just so we’re not outshone by the neighbours.
“Then I have to get the inside ones, and the candy canes lining the garden path I was very expressly against buying in the first place, and of course we can’t have one set of lights on the tree, oh no, that wouldn’t be Christmassy enough.
“Of course we’ve got none of the instructions so setting them to come on at the right time means buggering about on YouTube, and arse knows how much the electric bill’s going to be.
“Anyway. I now declare it to be Christmas. I’m having a f**king beer.”