Couple can't wait for guests to f**k off so they can go inside

A COUPLE who have not seen their friends for months cannot wait for them to leave so they can stop sitting in the f**king garden. 

Nathan and Sandra Muir were initially delighted to see pals Steve and Sarah Malley but after less than two hours were ready to go inside and sit on proper chairs instead.

Nathan said: “It’s not freezing, but it’s not warm either, you know? We had nibbles and chilled beers. But dude, my f**king house. It’s right there.

“It’s just perverse to be out here in the garden with plants and insects and whatever when all the best stuff is inside. Tellies and PlayStations and that.

“I kept finding excuses to pop into the house, like fetching drinks, refilling the pepper mill and just quickly finishing off a book I was reading.

“At one point I asked Steve if he’d be alright if I nipped in for a quick bath, but he gave me such a weird look I pretended I hadn’t.”

Sarah Malley said: “We were counting the f**king minutes. Two hours is a long time to spend in someone else’s garden.”

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A huge Celtic tattoo, and four other middle-aged regrets

HAVE you reached the age of realising how stupid you were when young? These decisions, made then, have come back to bite you:

Getting a huge Celtic tattoo

When you were 23 it seemed like an excellent idea to go to a tattoo parlour in Magaluf at 3am and have a big Celtic design tattooed on your upper arm. However, now you’re a 47 year-old accountant it just means you can’t take your shirt off on your annual family Center Parcs holiday.

Treating your body like shit for two decades

In your 20s it seemed as if your body could run off instant noodles and continental lager forever. Well, you’re paying for it now. A decade of dietary armageddon has left you visibly aged, prone to illness and with the delusion that necking enough Yakult will magically reverse the damage.

Constantly dying your hair

Dying your hair when you’re younger is a laugh, as every woman and man who has experimented with bleach will know. However, when you reach your forties and your hair has turned into a brittle straw-like substance that shatters when you put a comb through it, you’ll regret not leaving it alone.

Buying an electric guitar or similar

In your 30s, when you were in denial about ageing, you made some massive frivolous purchase. You thought to yourself, ‘No, it’s definitely not too late to start playing guitar, and it definitely won’t seem tragic.’ Well, it turned out that it was and it did. Just be glad you didn’t remortgage your house to buy a Mercedes E-Class.

Having children

You call them the light of your life to anyone who asks, but, deep down, there isn’t a day that goes by where you don’t fantasise about how much nicer life would be if you didn’t spend an hour a day scrubbing bodily fluids from your soft furnishings.