Cycling holiday brilliant for two whole miles

A COUPLE who thought a cycling holiday would be a wonderful adventure changed their minds after two miles of cycling. 

Eleanor Shaw and Tom Booker’s planned week-long tour of Devon and Cornwall amended their plans after a mile of country road and a further mile of busy dual carriageway, during which they were nearly hit by three cars and an articulated lorry.

Shaw said: “We hired bikes on our last holiday to Center Parcs so we thought it would be a sort of Enid Blyton-style romp, but didn’t take into account that cycling on actual roads is a horrible nightmare.

“Tom nearly got his front wheel taken off at the junction by the cottage, and watching him trying to navigate a roundabout was both hilarious and terrifying.

“And my life flashed before my eyes while a 44-tonne Tesco lorry passed us, horn blaring, sending me into a hedge, so we decided it wasn’t worth dying just to fulfil our bullshit dream of decreasing our carbon footprint.

“We’ve taken the bikes back and booked a week in an all-inclusive in Fuerteventura. We don’t plan to travel further than 200ft from the room.”

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Supermarket pumpkins tragically unaware they won't make Halloween

A LARGE display of pumpkins being used to whip up excitement for Halloween are tragically unaware that they will be disposed of well before the big day. 

The pumpkins, essentially loss-leaders displayed to nudge parents into buying their children costumes, still foolishly imagine that they will be made into jack-o’-lanterns for October 31st.

Pumpkin Carolyn Ryan, speaking from a point-of-sale display in Asda, said: “I’ve been growing my whole life for this.

“Most vegetables get eaten, but I get to be the centre of a whole celebration, carved into sublime art. Though I admit it does seem a little early.

“What’s the shelf life of a picked pumpkin? Well over three weeks, surely? I can’t be here just as collateral damage to shift the Haribo?”

Butternut squash Roy Hobbs said: “It’s painful. She’ll be soup or a spiced masala if she’s one of the lucky ones.

“By the middle of the month the rest will be slumped in a rotten pile over by the wheelie bins, their bottom halves collapsed like they’ve prolapsed. That’s the true horror of Halloween.”