I'll still go on holiday to Great Yarmouth, says £170 million-winning idiot

A TOTAL numpty who has won £170m on the lottery has claimed he will not let it change him, even though that is manifestly the whole point. 

Nathan Muir of Peterborough, who should by rights be leaving his hometown on a private jet right now and never looking back, has instead claimed he will continue to be the same person even though he has more than enough cash not to be.

Muir said: “£170 million’s not going to change me. I’ll still go on holiday to a static caravan in Great Yarmouth for two weeks every summer, like a total dickhead.

“I’ll still drink in the same pub with the same mates, as if that were a definite choice I made in life and not just what I ended up doing because of a lack of other options.

“And I’m definitely not leaving Peterborough, even though I’m only here by an accident of birth and it’s shit. No, this win won’t change me at all.”

Muir then left the press conference only to return 40 seconds later, adding: “Wait. It’s just hit me. All that’s over.

“Fuck everyone I ever knew. I’m divorcing the wife, buying a massive yacht and never laying eyes on a shithole like Great Yarmouth ever again.”

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Public calls for 'wankers only' train carriages

TRAIN passengers have called for services to include a dedicated wanker carriage where wankers can go about their business in peace. 

The carriage, which would mirror the quiet carriage on long-distance services, would be reserved for anyone eating fast food, attempting to comandeer a full table for themselves and their laptop, or youths with Bluetooth speakers.

A Network Rail spokesman said: “Wankers face a great deal of discrimination from the general public, because they’re wankers.

“By reserving a whole carriage for them to eat their Burger King, have top-volume phone conversations about what’s transpired in a small circle of friends in the last 45 minutes, or simply watching Fast & Furious 6 without headphones, we improve journeys for everyone else.

“We will charge a premium, especially as they’ll all need two tickets because their bag has to have a seat of its own.

“Any remaining seats are available to non-wankers for free. However, they’re unlikely to get all the way to their destination and will probably flee screaming at Didcot Parkway.”

Commuter Martin Bishop said: “I regularly get the Bristol-London service. One carriage won’t be nearly enough.”