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Devil mostly wears Primark these days

THE Devil is flattered you imagine he can still afford designer clothing in this economy, but says you are sadly mistaken. 

The decline of Hell as a major financial power means the original Prince of Darkness no longer sports an expensive wardrobe, mostly turning to Primark or H&M for his essentials.

He sighed: “You have to remember, the last film came out in 2006, pre-credit crunch. I was no sooner getting my infernal paycheck than I was blowing it all on Chanel and Louis Vuitton. The film’s title was entirely accurate.

“But two decades of economic turmoil later on? After austerity, Brexit, Trump, bloody Covid? My days of swinging by Alexander McQueen are long gone. It’s all I can do to keep myself shod.

“We’re all tightening our belts, even in the abyss. I’ve had to take a pay cut to keep the demonic horde happy. I can’t be swanning into meetings in box-fresh Balenciaga. It’s Matalan, Shoe Zone and Sports Direct, which has multiple branches down here.

“But the upcoming death toll we’re forecasting for humanity’s Q4 will really boost our turnover and I’m hoping to attract the big names to set up down here. Then maybe I’ll be able to get these cloven hoofs in Louboutins again.

“For now? I’m in Primark underpants. Honestly, I’ve had thicker and more durable loo roll.”

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This £5.50 pub beverage took the edge off my day - and boosted my confidence almost instantly

BY nutritionist Charlotte Phelps

I’M not exaggerating when I say a pint of Guinness cheered me right up and made the opposite sex appear more attractive. And you can buy one at pretty much every pub in any town.

I’ve tried every supplement and vitamin on the market, and none of them compare to 568ml of what users call ‘the black stuff’. It’s easy enough to order over the counter, and you can even treat yourself to a delicious packet of crisps at the same time.

The taste can be overwhelming on the first sip, but stick with it. By the time you’re halfway through you’ll start to feel its miraculous, feel-good hops coursing through your body. ‘The NHS should prescribe this for anxiety,’ you’ll think to yourself.

If you’re anything like me, you’ll have downed your pint before you realise it. But don’t worry. The positive wellbeing effects of Guinness are cumulative, which means the more you drink, the better you feel. Sounds too good to be true but it’s scientific fact.

For my research I necked 12 pints and I felt incredible. All of my money worries and personal troubles melted away for the first time in months. I was so happy I was dancing on the table and snogging complete strangers, whereas usually I’m something of a wallflower.

The rest of the night escapes me, but from the memories I can piece together I staggered through town sporting a traffic cone on my head and purged a kebab from my system onto the pavement. Neither of which I would have felt confident enough to do without Guinness.

Full transparency: in my experience Guinness can induce vomiting and nausea the next day, and start an addiction spiral that will ruin your life. Other than that though it’s a consequence-free ticket to a better life, just like Ozempic. Cheers!

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