Do you look fashionable or just a twat?

ARE people staring at you in the street because your edgy new jacket makes you look amazing or because you look fucking ridiculous? Here are some questions to ask yourself.

Do people go quiet when you walk into a room?

This is a hard one to call because they could either be struck dumb by your sartorial skill or shocked that anyone would choose to go out looking so stupid. If they start to giggle, that’s a bad sign.

Are you wearing knackered-looking clothes that cost 900 quid?

Retro chic is permanently in fashion, but if you’ve paid £150 for a reproduction Thin Lizzy t-shirt that would have cost maybe a tenner when Thin Lizzy were touring, you’re probably a twat. Especially if you have no idea who Thin Lizzy were.

Are you wearing a trilby?

If you’re a time traveller from the 1940s, fine. If you’re sitting in a pub in Camden talking about shit bands only you have heard of, you probably look like a twat.

Can you sit down on the bus?

If you’re wearing ridiculous high fashions straight off the most pretentious Paris catwalk, you may find your giant plastic dress or three-foot hat makes it difficult to use public transport. Leave the bacon dresses to Lady Gaga. She gets paid for looking like a twat.

Has anyone offered you some spare change?

This may be a sign that your ‘gypsy chic’ or ‘neo-grunge’ look is not quite working. Save up and go to M&S for some clothes that will be square but still cooler than just looking weird.  

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Brexit march somehow back in Sunderland again

THE ‘March to Leave’ has somehow found itself back in Sunderland again, feeling even more confused than usual and with no one really leading.

The march – which is currently populated by a handful of oddballs and the spirit of Nigel Farage who is busy on TV – arrived back in the Northern town expecting it to be London.

Brexiter Martin Bishop said: “I think London is around here somewhere. Is that London? Oh, no, it’s the Stadium of Light.

“This is definitely not London. London is full of massive buildings, famous landmarks and the metropolitan elite. As the sort of person who voted for Brexit I notice these things.

“We must have taken a wrong turn at Doncaster. Now I’m completely knackered and my feet really hurt. I’m taking these flip flops back to the shop.”

Fellow marcher Emma Bradford said: “Why didn’t any of us bring a map? It’s almost like we embarked on this enormous endeavour without having a fucking clue what we were doing.”