Excessive exclamation mark users vow they will 'never stop!!!'

PEOPLE who use a ludicrous number of exclamation marks have refused to write in a less annoying style.

Excessive punctuation fans say they will continue to make their texts and emails look as if they have been written by an excitable seven-year-old girl.

Administrator Francesca Ryan said: “Exclamation marks are brilliant because they instantly make a really dull message incredibly exciting.

“If you write ‘Hi Kate, how you doing?’ that’s just boring. But if you write ‘Hi Kate!!!!!!!! How you doing!!!!??!??!?!!?!!!??!!!!’ it’s so much more wacky and fun.

“Anyone who thinks it looks stupid can fuck off, and that includes the company I’ve just applied for a job with using a covering letter that starts ‘Dear Sir!!!’.”

Office worker Tom Booker said: “Exclamation marks are the only way of conveying my sheer joy at being alive, like today when I texted ‘Going 2 greggs for lunch!!!!!!!!!!’.”

Grammar expert Mary Fisher said: “People should ask themselves if they really want to send messages that look as though they’ve had a stroke while pressing down shift and 1.

“It looks terribly childish, so they really should desist. Sorry, I meant ‘desist!!!!!!’.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

'Generation Sensible' mainly into being sanctimonious little twats in surveys

A NEW generation of young people are rejecting sex, drugs and alcohol in favour of wanking on about their mature lifestyle in surveys.

So-called ‘Generation Sensible’ are avoiding potentially harmful behaviour and instead getting their kicks from telling people about how tediously responsible they are.

18-year-old Nikki Hollis said: “Getting drunk and taking drugs seems stupid to me when you can have just as much fun setting up a savings account to ease the financial pressure at uni.

“But the best thing is when a researcher or journalist asks me about Generation Sensible and I can drone on for ages about how I never get hangovers as if that is in some way interesting.

“When I’m blathering on about not having sex or getting pregnant I get this incredible rush which I’m sure is better than any drug, although obviously I wouldn’t know.

“Just talking about my deadly dull lifestyle now has given me a massive hit of smugness. It’s almost as good as revision.”

Hollis’ father Peter said: “Yes, Nikki really is ever so sensible. I wish she’d fuck off.”