GETTING married is a f**king nightmare. My new fella Lee is perfect in every way, but I’ve tied the knot with some wrong ‘uns in the past. Here’s what to look out for.
Will he get matching tattoos?
Matching tattoos are the ultimate sign of commitment, so people must have got divorced all the time before they invented them. And that’s why I only get matching tattoos when I’m totally sure I’ve met ‘the one’, like I have with Lee. And Alex. And Kieran. And Peter.
Do you know him well enough?
Haters have been saying horrible things about Lee, like he is a fake and not a millionaire who knows Elon Musk and Kim Kardashian. I admit in the past I may have rushed into getting married, but I’m not worried this time. With Lee I’ve taken things slowly and waited a week. I wish I knew who this ‘Walter Mitty’ is though.
Has he got criminal convictions?
A strangely large number of my exes have been in trouble with the law, so it’s always worth checking. Luckily there’s a way you can be sure he won’t do any crimes ever again, and that’s if he tells you he’s changed.
Have you looked at his socials?
As I told The Sun, me and Lee met in an ‘esoteric’ way, by which I confusingly meant looking at each other’s social media. It’s a million-to-one chance two people could look at each other’s Instagram pages and not find anything really off-putting, so it’s definitely Fate bringing us together.
Will he make you do a record with him?
Peter Andre is a gaslighting upside-down bastard with a stupid girly voice, but I don’t bear a grudge. However it was because of him I recorded the single A Whole New World, and everyone wouldn’t stop taking the piss. So don’t marry someone who’ll make you sound a right twat if people hear you without autotune.
Have you got the same favourite colour?
The same favourite colour is a solid basis for a marriage. I asked Lee what his was, and straight away he said ‘pink’, the same as me! There’s no way he could have guessed that unless he’s psychic. Which I hope he’s not because I don’t want him looking inside my brain all the time.
Does he want a tacky wedding of dubious legality?
Lee and I agreed there’s nothing more romantic than the lobby of a Dubai hotel with roses on the floor and me with my tits out. The guy who did the ceremony said we’d have to go to a registry office as well, but that’s handy if I fall in love with another random dodgy bloke tomorrow and have to marry him instead.
