Five geek accessories that let's face it, have been used as sex toys

IN happier times geeks could uniformly be considered unattractive, friendless virgins, but in these post-internet days fandoms have got sexy with these objects: 

Sonic screwdriver

Come on, it’s happened. When Doctor Who finally made the subtext text and admitted the Doctor has boned every single one of his companions – even Adric – fans stopped pretending their replica screwdriver was for opening doors. It’s been up there multiple times, before being rinsed and replaced on its stand.


The officially licenced lightsaber dildo will come, but the replicas do the job. Whether Luke’s ribbed classic, Mace Windu’s elegantly contoured purple-headed hipster favourite or Darth Maul’s double-ender, there’s one for your sexual needs. Hardcore fan? Visit Disneyland Florida and they’ll build you a custom one. Tell them what it’s for.

Harry Potter’s Nimbus 2000

The fastest Quidditch broomstick on the market? That Harry rode to triumph after triumph, always able to locate and tame the elusive Golden Snitch? Once the Harry Potter fans grew up and realised what they’d been reading, is it any wonder they tried it for themselves?


The only intentionally penis-shaped thing on the list and the least appealing, the alien from Alien was designed by HR Giger to look like a dick. With teeth. Which one? Ladies, the stage two xenomorph, better known as the Chestburster, is your next dildo. Gents, don’t deny you’ve already thought about putting it in a Facehugger.

The Infinity Gauntlet

Lie on your hand until it’s numb, don your replica Infinity Gauntlet with full complement of stones, and pretend Thanos is wanking you off. Until the Snap.

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Man now exclusively drinking on work nights

A MAN has maximised his drinking efficiency by sticking strictly to Monday-Thursday, leaving his weekends free for more rewarding pursuits. 

Wayne Hayes of Macclesfield had previously kept his problem drinking within the societally sanctioned Friday-Sunday window, but says switching it around has achieved incredible results.

He said: “It was one Saturday morning, horrendously hungover, that I found myself muttering ‘if I’m feeling this shit I might as well be in work.’ Then it hit me.

“Why am I wasting my one uninterrupted block of leisure time on alcohol, when I could be drinking in the week when I really need it and getting paid for suffering afterwards?

“I began that very Tuesday, putting away a bottle of Jack Daniels while watching Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares and feeling fantastic. The next day I was still drunk on the train, missed a meeting and fell asleep in the disabled bogs. I’ve never looked back.

“The new drinking pattern’s really freed up my weekend schedule. I’ve taken up knitting, wild swimming, Spanish lessons and already have Grade 7 clarinet. It’s amazing what you can achieve sober. Work? I dunno.”

Boss Emma Bradford said: “Wayne used to be so grudging and resentful, as if he had better places to be than here. Now he’s either drunk, hungover or thirsty for booze he’s far more agreeable. A promotion’s in the offing.”