Five totally unrealistic career paths to waste your life on

WHY waste your life in a boring office job when you can waste your life chasing a much more exciting job you’ll never actually get to do?

Here are five completely unrealistic career choices that will guarantee you never have to pay back a penny of that student loan.

Professional poker player

Are you a savant with a superb memory, brilliant deductive skills and nerves of steel? No, we didn’t think so, but don’t let that stop you kidding yourself you can take up this supercool career.

Convince yourself all you need to do is get some hours in playing poker online and watch lots of fictional poker games like the one in Casino Royale, then go ahead and book a flight to Vegas.

Professional footballer

Ignore the fact that a career doing something you enjoy with extremely high pay, national hero status and the chance to date beautiful women might be quite competitive.

Silicon Valley entrepreneur

Don’t let living in Slough and being unable to work out which telly remote does what put you off a life of luxury as a billionaire tech magnate in California.

Simply imagine you’ve got a brilliant concept like Facebook – maybe ‘LinkedIn for pets’ or something equally flawed – and you’ll get the computer nerds to actually make it work for you.

If you’ve moved back in at home after uni your parents will probably pay for your ticket just to get you off their guest futon.

Horse wrangler

We’re not sure what being a horse wrangler exactly entails, but they are incredibly cool and rugged, out there in the great outdoors wrangling their noble beasts. Ignore the sad truth that in reality a lot of the job is probably quite boring stuff like taking horses to the vet if they’re constipated.

TV presenter

Absolutely the best unrealistic career. It requires no particular skills, has vast earning potential and all you have to do is enrol on a dodgy £800 course at a tatty studio in London.

Sure, no one who ever did the course has actually become a TV presenter and your showreels will be 100% ignored, but when you announce you’re a TV presenter who hasn’t actually been on TV the student loans people will just give up.

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Britain thrilled with its shitty voting choices again

THE UK has refused to hand a clear local election victory to either Labour or the Conservatives because both of them are pretty toss.

The council elections have seen relatively few changes across the country as Britons voted mainly out of habit, resigned despair or something to do while the lasagne was heating up.

Political analyst Susan Traherne said: “Once again, Britain has faced the choice of incompetent right-wingers and incompetent left-wingers, put its head in its hands and muttered ‘fucking hell’.

“One party offers a wretched Brexit mess overseen by obvious idiots. The other offers some good things but in a clueless, unconvincing way while sort of doing Brexit anyway. Excuse me if I don’t sprint to the polling station.

“UKIP has lost a large number of councillors, but that’s hardly surprising for a party whose main interest is golliwogs. Meanwhile, the Lib Dems… sorry, I can’t be bothered to finish this sentence.”

Voter Martin Bishop said: “I voted for an independent candidate. He’s probably rubbish but at least I don’t hate him yet.”