93-year-old never thought he’d live to see the day when he could be bigoted again

A VISIBLY moved pensioner has welcomed Britain’s newfound tolerance of bigoted attitudes.

The Windrush scandal and rising hate crimes have reminded Norman Steele of happier times when he could use words like ‘sambo’, ‘yid’ and ‘mick’ without everyone getting really tense.

An emotional Steele said: “There are people saying ‘Fuck off, we’re full’ and ‘The bloody Muslims are taking over!’. It’s like a wonderful trip down memory lane.

“I’m so relieved everything’s back to normal after all this so-called political correctness and my grandchildren saying I shouldn’t describe my black care worker Yvonne as a ‘spear thrower’.

“When we used terms like ‘coon’ in the 1970s it was all in good humour and no one meant any harm by it, except the organised fascist groups who wanted to kill them.”

Steele is now hoping the current racism and xenophobia will re-popularise other archaic terms of abuse for minority groups such as ‘spics’, ‘chinks’ and ‘nancies’.

He added: “Don’t get me wrong, I’m not afraid to move with the times. ‘Bitches’ is a much better way of describing women.”

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The bellend’s guide to nights out

EVERYONE loves pubbing and clubbing at the weekend, but are you doing it in a way that causes maximum aggravation for fellow revellers? Follow our guide.

Make a song and fucking dance of getting a few drinks in

Don’t just ask your friends, “What would everyone like to drink?” Instead stand by the bar and holler at your table: “Gary! GARY! OI! GARY! GARY! STELLA? OI! YER WOT? GARY! STELLA? RIGHT MATE. OI! WHAT DOES NEIL WANT? I SAID -”

Be a Poundland Begbie in nightclubs

Instigate weird confrontations, for example by informing a group of strangers that a drink has gone missing from your table. When challenged in the slightest way, magnanimously declare “You’re alright, mate” and scuttle off, just leaving everyone confused.

Be totally anal about stools

In a nutshell: “I asked you if that stool was taken and you said your friend was coming but she hasn’t come and that was 25 minutes ago and if she’s not coming I think we should be allowed to have the stool because there are eight of us and…”

Racially abuse people serving you nice food

There’s no better way to show your appreciation for delicious, affordable food like kebabs than telling the friendly people who made them they should go back to their own country.

Stick to busy bars like a limpet

In busy pubs, sit or stand by the bar with your mates and make it as difficult as possible for other people to get served. Hold your positions with the tenacity of the Red Army in Stalingrad. If someone does manage to squeeze past you, look at them as if they are being a prick for wanting to buy drinks in a pub.

Remember cab queues don’t exist

At taxi ranks, just pile into any cab you see. Those 30 people standing nearby in a queue-like line are probably just enjoying looking at the night sky.