Friday booked off by devious little shits

PEOPLE who booked Friday off work are cackling like maniacs at the success of their scheme.

The devious, probably evil individuals submitted holiday forms months ago with the seemingly innocuous request of ‘the first Friday in May’ before anyone else had even thought of it.

Office administrator Jane Thomson said: “I don’t think my line manager even realised that Monday was a bank holiday.

“She was like, ‘doing something nice?’ I said I just wanted to clear out my garage and maybe take some stuff to the tip.

“Now I have four whole days stretching out in front of me. I could pretty much go to India if I wanted, or have a rites-of-passage adventure like in a Stephen King book.

“All those poor saps are toiling away. I am so much better than them.”

Thomson’s colleague Stephen Malley said: “We can’t help feeling betrayed on some level. She’s obviously not a person you can trust.

“In fact I hope she dies over the weekend.”

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Increasing numbers of adults trying tantrums

ADULTS have finally realised the impressive power of childish tantrums to get what you want.

Grown-ups have found that acting like a crazed toddler is a highly effective way of resolving disputes at home and in the workplace, so long as you are good at screaming.

Office worker Tom Logan said: “People say adults should discuss things reasonably and reach an agreement, but I’m getting much better results from kicking off like some little shit in Waitrose.

“Last night my girlfriend wanted to watch the news but I wanted to watch Transporter 2, so I threw myself around on the floor beating the carpet with my fists and holding my breath until my face went purple.

“She was a bit freaked out but we soon found ourselves watching Jason Statham. I’m going to remember this next time she makes me visit her parents.”

Marketing manager Donna Sheridan said: “My team had a disagreement about our new brochure, so I stomped around the meeting room kicking things and shouting ‘I don’t want!’

“After just four minutes of hollering they accepted that my opinion was the correct one. Also I got a McFlurry to stop me crying.”