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Flint-faced seaside landladies rubbing hands together at jet fuel shortage

SCOWLING landladies of unwelcoming bed-and-breakfasts at windswept British seaside resorts are looking forward to resenting you this summer. 

The cancellation of thousands of flights means Britons will be condemned to staycations in establishments where the first rule is you are unwelcome and all the other rules require you to leave.

Mary Fisher, aged 62, who runs a boarding house in Cleethorpes as a way of exacting vengeance on the world, said: “All residents have to be out between 11am and 5pm so we can clean. We won’t.

“Fresh towels? You’re not in Malaga now. And that mattress is as good as when we bought it in 1978. If you’ve damaged the springs you’ll be charged.

“You’re not the primary focus of my loathing, don’t think you’re special. That’s my husband who’s also the chef and will be taking out a lifetime of rancour out on you via your cooked full English. Choke it all down or we’ll comment.

“No wet things in the house. I don’t care if you’ve just spent six hours huddled in a shelter on the prom during an electrical storm, that’s not my problem. The library was open.”

Work and pensions secretary Pat McFadden said: “We stand on the cusp of a golden age of productivity. With holidays like this, people will be overjoyed to get back to work.”

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Being gifted £5 million the only thing Farage has done that isn't newsworthy

PRIVATELY receiving £5 million from a crypto billionaire is the one thing Nigel Farage has done the media has deemed to be a non-story. 

The £5m personal gift, which Farage has not declared because he received it while not an MP and is spending on ‘security’, is the first and only event in the Reform leader’s life which does not merit extensive press coverage.

Media insider Norman Steele said: “This isn’t like when he was debanked, which invented the word and demanded a fortnight of headlines. This is just a £5 million gift from a pal.

“The papers dearly wish they could get a story out of it but there’s no public interest, not like their absolute rapt fascination with the Mandelson vetting scandal. It’s a mere cash injection referred to the parliamentary standards commissioner. Yawn.

“How would you spin an article out of that, without some wild claim that his influence has been in some way bought? Which nobody would believe. After all, it’s only £5 million.

“You can tell it’s no big deal because Farage hasn’t popped up to talk about it. He loves to hog the airwaves, so if even Nigel is ducking the limelight it’s as boring a Westminster bubble story as his juvenile racism.

“This isn’t Keir Starmer being bought a pair of glasses or Angela Rayner inadvertently dodging capital gains tax or anything juicy like that. A friend helping a friend? That’s not news unless you’re bitter and cynical which the British press has never been.”

Farage said: “Everyone gets multi-million pound donations all the time, you might as well report on me breathing in and out. Anyway, cameras at the ready, I’m about to drink a pint.”

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