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Gen Z British beaver too lazy to build dam

WILD beavers released into Britain are lazing around on riverbanks posing for social media photos rather than building dams. 

The beavers, previously characterised as one of nature’s hardest-working animals, have been in the country for a matter of months and are already asking what the point is of blocking rivers when the water gets through whatever.

Beaver Steve Malley said: “Can we Deliveroo some pondweed? I can’t be arsed getting up.

“Yeah, yeah, I should be damming, but we’ve just had a long weekend and it’s hard to motivate yourself. Been no rainfall for ages anyway. Loads of time.

“It’s not like I’m paid by the dam. And I’m only employed 22 hours a week because of DEFRA cuts so I’m on income support and I can’t jeopardise that. Do you know it is to jump through all HMRC’s hoops when you’re a flat-tailed semi-aquatic rodent?

“Anyway, I need to be here for the influencers. Pic with me in gets upward of 200k likes on Insta. I should really be making bank on of that. Maybe a collab with Burberry?”

Nathan Muir of Maclynneth said: “Grrr. Bloody beavers. If only their anal glands didn’t smell so alluring.”

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Attention-seeking Red Arrows didn't even fight in World War Two

THE centrepiece of the Royal Air Force’s VE Day anniversary celebrations did not even participate in World War Two, it has emerged. 

The Royal Air Force’s aerobatic display team once again hogged attention during a VE Day flypast despite not forming until roughly 20 years after hostilities ceased and being show-off pricks.

Spectator Martin Bishop said: “We didn’t win the war with red, white and blue smoke trails. In any actual theatre of combat that would be a massive liability.

“Try doing formation flying over the Ruhr Valley in 1945 and the Luftwaffe would have made mincemeat of you, no matter how impressive your tornado manoeuvre is. And to be honest I’d be cheering them on.

“This is an affront to the real heroes of the war who did their jobs quietly and with a minimum of barrel rolls. You wouldn’t find a Lancaster bomber looping the loop. But these pushy bastards have squeezed them and their centenarian pilots out of history.

“If the VE Day celebrations featured Concorde or Thunderbird 2 the media would lose their minds, yet somehow these flash bastards are allowed free reign.”

Veteran Norman Steele said: “They’re a national disgrace, just like Captain Tom. I wish Hitler had won so I didn’t have to look at them.”

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