'Going somewhere?' voted last thing hostages want to hear after finally chewing through ropes

‘GOING somewhere?’ has been voted the last thing a hostage wants to hear after they have finally managed to chew through the rope that has held them captive for eight weeks.

The Institute for Studies found that ‘Going somewhere?’ was the choice of more than 60 percent of hostages with ‘Do you really think I’d leave the window unlocked?’ in second place.

In third place was ‘Well done’ accompanied by slow, sarcastic clapping.

Former hostage, Martin Bishop, said: “I spent ages chewing through the ropes, so when I finally got out of the chair and was about to open the window, hearing someone say, ‘Going somewhere?’ really was inconvenient to say the least.

“Totally ruined my afternoon, if I’m being honest.”

“But then a couple of days later I managed to struggle free and smash my kidnapper over the head with a heavy typewriter, so it all worked out fine.”

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The five habits of highly effective time-wasters

DICKING around does not just happen – you have to know your stuff. Here’s a five point guide to wasting time like a champion.

Ignore all inquiries
Highly effective time-wasters know the importance of avoiding busy people who want to actually get things done. Let emails build up before deleting dozens at the same time and blaming it on some twat from IT.

Put ‘make a list’ at the top of your to-do list
Making a list of what you do not intend to achieve can use up half a day, as long as you don’t rush it. If you can’t immediately think of anything leave it and go for a coffee and then a massage, but say it’s a dental appointment.

Toilet breaks are your bread and butter
Always, always do your shits at work. This is basic stuff, but those hours really add up. Even if you do not have one ready, go to the toilet anyway. You’ve heard the phrase ‘shit or get off the pot’ – here is an opportunity to do neither.

Just go to bed
The earlier you go to bed, the bigger the opportunity to go on your phone and scroll through the same two or three apps until exhaustion forces you into unsatisfying, fitful sleep.

Get convicted of a medium-level crime
Anything with a custodial sentence will do. ‘Sorry I couldn’t attend the marketing brainstorm session, I was doing 18 months for insurance fraud’.