A WOMAN’S decision to attend a house party has provided watertight evidence as to why she should only ever drink alone.
Helen Archer had been persuaded into attending the gathering, having forgotten over the course of the pandemic that something described as ‘a fun piss-up with cool people’ is always uniformly shit.
Archer said: “I walked in on a desperate scene. My brain didn’t want to accept that the whole thing would just be these nine people sat in a circle in the living room with the big light on.
“I ended up cornered by this smug man who wanked on for ages about how he loves getting his milk delivered to the door in glass bottles. I was swigging neat vodka, but, somehow, he kept me deadly sober.
“What eventually saved me was intercepting an absolutely plastered woman going to the toilet to be sick. She told me she was fine but I insisted on going with her and locked us in the bathroom for an hour.
“Everyone acted like I was a saint, but they hadn’t clocked the host’s boyfriend getting out his guitar. Holding this random girl’s hair back was my only ticket out of there.
“From now on I’ll be drinking by myself, in the dark, in total silence. And it will be bliss.”