How to be an irritating hipster in lockdown

ARE you wearing a mask made out of an ironic 80s T-shirt while livestreaming baking organic vegan banana bread? Then you’re a coronavirus hipster: 

Wear a different facemask every day

Never content with mere practicality, a true hipster will have a different facemask for every look. Industrial facemask with dungarees, paper mask with anime T-shirt, handcrafted mask from Etsy made from vintage She-Ra curtains. And none of them offer any real protection.

Make artisanal hand sanitiser

Mass-produced hand sanitiser is so generic. Make your own by mixing rubbing alcohol with a handful of herbs from next door’s garden and name it after a dead Scandinavian film director. Once this is over water it down and open your own single-batch gin bar.

Be at the cutting edge of the ‘beard-free’ movement

Everyone’s growing beards now therefore you can’t have one. Shave the beard you’ve been cultivating since 2012 and begin a new trend of clean-shaven faces modelled entirely on an obscure photo of Velvet Underground guitarist Sterling Morrison from 1981.

Make a huge fuss about having a milkman

Having milk delivered directly to your door is convenient and lockdown-friendly, but that doesn’t mean you are obliged to do an Instagram livestream obsessing over how stylish the glass bottles are. Foil lids! So retro!

Start a baking podcast

You already had one podcast of course, but lockdown means it’s time for a second. Become obsessed with the tiny details such as the hydration of your ancient grains flour blend, then start a podcast about the minutae of baking bread. What choice do you have?

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Pizza remembered fondly

A WOMAN has thought of a pizza she enjoyed in a popular chain restaurant five weeks ago and smiled to herself. 

Emma Bradford was making a cup of tea this morning when she recalled the Pollo Forza pizza and bottle of wine from early March, back when that could happen.

She said: “I miss that pizza.

“You’d think I’m actually missing the freedom it represents, the vanished world of going out for a meal on a Sunday night, the company of strangers. But actually it’s just that specific pizza.

“If that pizza was on Twitter, I’d be sliding into its DMs. If it was on Instagram I’d watch its story daily. I’d invite it to WhatsApp groups that were just me and six burner accounts.

“The world needs to heal so I can get that pizza again. And the chipotle chicken wings. And dough balls. Supermarket ones aren’t the same.”

She added: “It really was a terrific pizza. I wish I’d taken more photos.”