ARE you wearing a mask made out of an ironic 80s T-shirt while livestreaming baking organic vegan banana bread? Then you’re a coronavirus hipster:
Wear a different facemask every day
Never content with mere practicality, a true hipster will have a different facemask for every look. Industrial facemask with dungarees, paper mask with anime T-shirt, handcrafted mask from Etsy made from vintage She-Ra curtains. And none of them offer any real protection.
Make artisanal hand sanitiser
Mass-produced hand sanitiser is so generic. Make your own by mixing rubbing alcohol with a handful of herbs from next door’s garden and name it after a dead Scandinavian film director. Once this is over water it down and open your own single-batch gin bar.
Be at the cutting edge of the ‘beard-free’ movement
Everyone’s growing beards now therefore you can’t have one. Shave the beard you’ve been cultivating since 2012 and begin a new trend of clean-shaven faces modelled entirely on an obscure photo of Velvet Underground guitarist Sterling Morrison from 1981.
Make a huge fuss about having a milkman
Having milk delivered directly to your door is convenient and lockdown-friendly, but that doesn’t mean you are obliged to do an Instagram livestream obsessing over how stylish the glass bottles are. Foil lids! So retro!
Start a baking podcast
You already had one podcast of course, but lockdown means it’s time for a second. Become obsessed with the tiny details such as the hydration of your ancient grains flour blend, then start a podcast about the minutae of baking bread. What choice do you have?