NEW hobbies, sports and joining bloody book clubs are proposed as cures for the January blues, but what about an innovative new approach to self-pleasuring? Give these a go:
Find new things to masturbate over
Sick of the same old? Be open to reaching climax over non-human things. Deer are quite sexy, or if you’re a woman who favours the strong, silent type, what about a tuna? There are plenty of hot robots, such as Elita-1 out of Transformers One. Just try not to dwell on what would happen to your genitals if she transforms into a car when she climaxes.
Treat yourself to a cashmere spunk sock
Your penis deserves better than a discarded sports sock, so try the comfort of Merino wool socks in a traditional Nordic pattern. Or for the ultimate in style and luxury, £125 cashmere socks from a Savile Row outfitters. You’ll feel like James Bond as you bring yourself off!
Start a masturbation society
After all, what is a book group but a load of wankers wanking on? And there’s so much to discuss – the best dildo, which grip to use, the most debased porn sites, the upcoming fourth season of Bridgerton. Above all it’s a great way to make friends locally. ‘Haven’t seen you at wanking club recently, Tony!’ you’ll cheerfully shout across Asda.
Invest in a quality fleshlight
Regular users of fleshlights swear by them, though whether they’ve done a full comparison with a real vagina is unlikely. They can apparently replicate every type of sex you’re not currently having, and with names like ‘Ice Lady’ you can convince yourself this is a normal, on-trend sexual activity, not just putting your knob in a squishy torch.
Change location
Sometimes a change of scene is all we need, and January is ideal for a cheap off-season rental. Airbnb recommends non-tourist destinations for the best deals, so why not book a week in a terraced house in Stoke-on-Trent with nothing to do but bring yourself off? You’ve paid the cleaning fee upfront!
Take it al fresco
Visiting the countryside is a great way to combine a wank with exercise and scenery. You might even stumble upon one of Britain’s many fascinating historical sites and realise that 2,000 years ago a Roman soldier may have jizzed in this very spot. It’s incredible – and humbling – to realise that you too are part of the great tapestry of masturbatory history.
Consider splashing out on a lifelike sex doll
Pricey, but an expensive gift to yourself might be just what you need. Many hobbies require expensive equipment, after all, so it’s no different to rock-climbing. Although you may prefer not to boast to your colleagues about an exhausting but fulfilling weekend spent having sex with a lifeless, limbless silicone woman.
