ARE you desperate for attention on the internet? Thousands of people are constantly posting shit that never happened, so here’s how to make sure your dubious tale gets likes.
Be clear about how you want to appear
Are you setting out to modestly portray how hot you are? How decent and kind? What superb parenting skills you have? All of the above? A checklist will help you add to the rapidly growing ocean of fake bullshit on the internet effectively. If people didn’t like it, you reason, there wouldn’t be so much of it.
Use a child
If you’re childless, make one up. Kids who say implausibly perceptive things prove what a great parent you are, or just use them as a mouthpiece for opinions you think will be popular. Thus ‘your’ child might say: ‘Mummy, unless we abolish single-use plastics and implement universal basic income, we’ll never achieve a genuine environmentally sustainable meritocracy.’
Don’t worry about a small child being unlikely to say that, there are plenty of gullibles out there. Just bask in looking as if you’ve raised super-smart children and imagine Facebook rising up in applause and deciding to immediately make you prime minister.
Make it shocking
Would you believe it? A man on the street told you that you have a ‘fantastic arse in jeans’ and also that ‘no one would ever guess you’re 47’! Don’t worry about anyone in comments asking how he knew your age, they won’t question anything that reinforces their opinions.
Obviously you’re so outraged and disgusted that you must post this incident on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Instagram, Snapchat and Bluesky. Admittedly some people will now fear meeting this man who definitely exists, but you need a reason to talk about your bum on the internet. In fact you’re so committed to stopping this sort of thing you’ve uploaded a photo of the pert denim-clad arse in question. Just so people know which one we’re talking about.
Exploit a homeless person
There are plenty about now courtesy of 14 years of Tory government and Labour being like Tories, but the homeless are great for telling you pearls of wisdom that only a sensitive, non-judgemental person like you took the time to listen to.
Channel your B grade in A-level Drama as you alone, Banksy-style, relate how you talked to this troubled individual and heard what coincidentally were exactly your views on capitalism (bad), Brexit (bad), Trump (bad). He definitely didn’t just shout something drunk and incomprehensible, apart from the words ‘stuck-up cow’.
Include a celebrity
One for expert liars, but still doable. Let’s see… you once bumped into Nick Cave at a party and he said you were the most f**kable woman he’d ever met, you’ve decided.
You’ll need a feeble excuse to shoehorn it into everyone’s Facebook feed, but the great thing is no one will be able to get in touch with him to disprove it. Besides, with the amount of drugs around in the 90s, which Nick was partial to, it might have happened and you and he just forgot.
Just remember that you’re posting on social media, though, so be careful what a celebrity did or said. You don’t want a real encounter with Nick Cave, as he takes a few seconds out of his busy celebrity lifestyle to angrily tweet a threat of legal action.
