Inside the mind of a man still wearing shorts in November

AS winter sets in, there are always one or two men around wearing shorts. I am one of them and I’m here to tell you why, in an effort to stop you presuming I’m just a bellend.

Am I survivalist in training for the coming collapse of society and its power networks? Am I on the way to or from exercise? Have I recently returned from a faraway clime where shorts would have been a logical choice?

I am none of these things. Instead I am a dreamer who loves to feel the morning frost on my lower leg hair, and a wintery breeze nipping the backs of my knees, even when I could wear long trousers like normal people. Plus, I think it makes me look hard.

I don’t feel the cold, because I believe it’s good for the constitution to suffer needlessly whilst hoping women behind me in the post office queue are admiring my white, goose bumped calves.

I am also a role model to the next generation of off-season short-wearers, and proof that adults do not have to behave in ways that make any sense, and often make them look like bloody idiots.

Every culture has its outliers and sometimes it feels like we trouser refuseniks are the last truly independent thinkers. So next time you see one of us out and about, remember that although we may look ridiculous, we are somehow still getting laid.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Britain reaches stage where it's just wearing a f**king duvet

THE UK is only days into a second lockdown and has already reached the point where it is just walking around wearing a f**king duvet.

Enormous padded coats, called duvet coats because even marketing executives cannot be arsed lying anymore, are the key fashion trend for the season and a sad indictment of almost everything.

Grace Wood-Morris said: “I’ve got one. I wear it at the freezing cold bus stop, watch Friends on my phone and pretend I’m at home in bed.

“It hides my jogging trousers and fleece which are basically my day pyjamas, so now even leaving the house is like staying on the sofa under a duvet in front of Netflix. It makes the whole world a sickie.

“What else should I wear? A pencil skirt and heels, when there aren’t any bars or shops or people? F**k that. I’m wearing a duvet.”

Fashion editor Lucy Parry said: “The duvet coat is the look everyone’s wearing this year, teamed with a floral facemask, a hollow-eyed stare and the scent of aimless, drifting despair.

“Next season’s look? There is no next season. This is it, forever.”