Letting your partner buy your clothes, and other things that make you a pathetic man baby

ARE you a man who allows your partner to buy your underpants for you? Here are the other ways she’s accidentally strayed into parenting you:

Never organising your own social events

Have you settled into the comfortable groove of a long-term relationship and handed responsibility for your social diary to your partner? Do you think meeting up with ‘the lads’ for a beer once every six months counts as making an effort? Does your wife or girlfriend organise every other occasion, including ones involving your own family? Then you can’t really bitch about spending every weekend drinking with her best mate’s husband who you think is a prick.

Being reminded to do chores

You’re an adult, allegedly in an equal partnership, so why is it that your girlfriend does all the household chores and you do none, apart from putting the bins out, and only if you are reminded? While you may claim not to ‘see dust’, you can definitely see the huge pile of washing up that has piled up in the kitchen. She’s going to be f**king furious when she gets back, and is considering leaving you, so maybe it’s worth sorting out? And don’t deviously leave everything ‘to soak’. 

Not making your own appointments

When you were a little boy your mummy made your dentist and doctor’s appointments, and took you to the optician when she noticed you squinting idiotically at the telly. It’s important to remember that your partner is not your mummy and you can do these things yourself now. At least it is if you don’t want her to realise you’re a feeble little five-year-old trapped in an IT consultant’s body.

Constantly asking where things are

Do you constantly misplace your phone, keys or wallet? Do you ask your partner where they are on a daily basis? Well, guess what? You’re not endearingly forgetful, you’re a tedious pain in the arse who appears to need to be parented the same amount as your actual children. Get a grip on yourself, for f**k’s sake. Although you could try tying all your possessions together, like mittens.

Letting your partner buy your clothes

Whether you have no sense of style or are just a lazy bastard, there is absolutely no excuse for letting your partner buy your clothes for you. It doesn’t matter that she enjoys going shopping and you don’t, just man up and get to Next. If you’re happy with your partner purchasing a multipack of boxer shorts with the days of the week written on the waistband you have no business wondering why she isn’t interested in shagging you anymore.

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Guardian reader concerned about Santa's carbon footprint

A GUARDIAN reader is deeply troubled by the environmental impact of Santa’s annual round-the-world trips.

Having drained all the fun out of everything else, liberal news consumer Julian Cook has turned his critical eye to the carbon footprint of Santa’s intercontinental sleigh flights.

He said: “A single flight abroad is enough to make Greta cry. Jetting off to visit every child on the planet in a single night is essentially a war crime against the planet.

“Even if he’s vegan, which I strongly doubt, there’s no way Santa’s behaviour is sustainable. Factor in the animal labour of all those reindeer and it’s amazing he hasn’t been cancelled yet.

“To make things worse, he’s dropping single-use plastic tat down fossil fuel burner pipes. Why aren’t Just Stop Oil glueing themselves onto the roads to his workshop or throwing soup over grottos?

“It’s minorities like black people, people on benefits and lesbians I feel most sorry for. As the Guardian always reminds me, they’re more severely impacted by this than me.”

Cook’s son Martin said: “I haven’t got the heart to tell daddy he is in fact Father Christmas. I don’t think he’s mature enough for his illusion of self-righteousness to be shattered just yet.”