Man with stupidly expensive BMW wishing he'd just got a penis extension

A MAN who spent a huge amount of money on a new BMW could have got an actual penis extension for a fraction of the price.

Office manager Martin Bishop paid as much as a small house for his new BMW 8 Series before realising he could have cut to the chase and just got the big cock he craved.

Bishop said: “I did the maths on the drive home and I’ve been ripped off. For the cost of the Beemer I could have got a knob the size of one of those snake draught excluders.

“Getting my little fella – sorry, I meant ‘my above-average-sized fella’ – enlarged would only have set me back about £10,000. A bit of penile surgery would have been a snip at the price.

“Admittedly my penis hasn’t got an eight-speaker sound system and smart GPS, but with the car I’ve got to impress a woman with it before we get down to business. And, unlike my penis, it fucking guzzles petrol.

“I wonder if I can do a swap on some sort of website? There must be thousands of BMW owners in my predicament.”

The website said: “We can arrange for Mr Bishop to trade in his BMW for an unnaturally large penis and we’ll throw in a Vauxhall Corsa.”

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Five much too personal things to do on crowded trains

HAVE you somehow got the impression that busy trains are your bathroom or GP’s surgery? Here are some overly personal things you really should stop doing.

Discussing sexual problems

Does your boyfriend have difficulty keeping it up unless you dress as Baby Spice and he calls you ‘dirty slut momma’ or similar? Have a loud phone conversation about it and add ‘agonising embarrassment’ to the misery of people’s commute.

Inserting teeth whitening trays

Some people treat their commute as part of their morning hygiene routine and consider it ideal for things like bleaching their teeth. This is not right. You wouldn’t bring a commode and have a shit on the 8.23 to Milton Keynes. Or maybe you would.

Eating a bucket of chicken

Some food is best consumed alone in a self-loathing orgy of grease, smells and shame. This includes burritos, chip shop battered sausages and anything from KFC.

Clipping your nails

Pinging shards of fingernail around should only ever be done in the privacy of your own home. If you even consider doing your toenails on a train your fellow passengers are allowed to kill you. In fact it is their moral duty.

Public displays of affection

Anything more than a firm handshake is unacceptable, including leg-stroking, tongue-touching and neck-nuzzling. If being on a hot, smelly, cramped train gets your juices flowing you are a pervert and should be in prison.