Meditating father imagining he's in infinite B&Q

A 49-YEAR-OLD man closes his eyes and imagines he is in an endless B&Q whenever he is stressed.

If life becomes too much for father-of-three Joe Turner, he takes a deep breath in through his nose and transports himself to an imaginary hardware store with aisles that extend into eternity.

Turner said: “I tried going to yoga classes but was too stressed about accidentally farting to find it in any way relaxing. Then I discovered this meditation technique, pioneered by Nick Knowles.

“It’s based on a combination of controlled breathing, mental projection and intensive time spent in local B&Qs to help me better create an image of my soothing DIY safe place. What could be more calming than strolling through an endless aisle of skirting boards?

“Now if I’m stressing out about work or my kids are giving me grief I can just shut my eyes, enter my happy space and I’m instantly browsing infinite packets of every sized wingnut you could imagine. Bliss.”

Turner’s wife Charlotte said: “Admittedly he’s calmer, but at least when he used to bugger off to a real B&Q to destress he’d pick me up a Costa on the way home. Now I just get to look at his stupid zen face.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Family likes to freeze food for a year before throwing it away

A FAMILY use their freezer as a convenient place to store food they should just chuck in the bin, it has emerged

The Bradford family’s freezer, which should more accurately be called ‘the food graveyard’, currently holds half-portions of tomato sauce, chicken breasts frozen a few days after their use-by date and multiple bags of vegetables purchased in 2019.

Mum Emma Bradford said: “That fillet of salmon that’s been in the fridge a bit too long? You can’t throw it away, that’s wasteful. So the freezer is essentially a massive bin for leftovers, a place where we store our guilt as well as nine bags each containing a single soft tortilla.

“We put things in there and forget about them for at least 12 months, then dig them out when the food has gone a funny colour and say in startled tones, ‘We can’t eat this!’

“Then you can throw it away without feeling bad, because you’re not wasting food, you’re tidying up the freezer. It’s win-win.

“Apart from the fact that there’s no space for stuff that actually needs freezing, like ice cream. But what are children for, if not sending to the shop for a multi-pack of Magnums and some ice for mummy’s gin and tonic?”