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Midnight f**king ages away when you're staying up for it with kids

STAYING awake to witness one year transition to the next is a gruelling marathon that will never end when done with children under ten, parents agree.

While midnight approaches in no time when happily getting smashed with friends, the distance between their usual bedtime and the midnight hour seems infinite when entertaining exhausted yet frenzied children.

Parent Nikki Hollis said: “Midnight is a meaningless construct when you’re an adult. It barely even registers. It’s just the signal to stop binge-watching.

“But with sleep-deprived children, excited for something they don’t understand, high on pop, running in circles and screeching? Each minute is an eternity, and the finishing line a distant horizon you may never reach.

“The normal passage of time doesn’t apply. As you inch closer, midnight seems to taunt you by running further away. It’s like you’re stuck in a nightmare where you’re trying to run but a six-year-old is jeering while you try to build Lego.

“It’d be so much easier if I could pass the time with a quick bump. Instead I have to chuck on Shrek Forever After, which makes the evening feel even longer.”

Hollis’s eight-year-old son Jack said: “The best part is I’ll barely remember any of this special night.”

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'Season's greetings, from Jim and Carol': Five ways to find out who the f**k Jim and Carol are

RECEIVED a hand-delivered Christmas card and wondering who the hell sent it? These methods to identify the culprits could set your minds to rest:

Rack your brains

The card is allegedly from ‘Jim and Carol’, and between yourself and your partner you think you know three Jims and two Carols. None are connected, and one’s actually a Jimmy. There’s a Jim from work and cousin Carol, but as far as you know neither are married to a Carol or a Jim. You message them anyway.

Consult a family tree

Your eccentric retired uncle plagued you with details of your extended family tree and you were uninterested to the point of rudeness. Unfortunately when you ask him about Jims and Carols he remembers your bad attitude and sadistically keeps you on the phone for an hour while he pretends to scour old documents. When he knows full well there hasn’t been a Jim and Carol in the family since 1840, the sad bastard.

Trawl social media

Local Facebook groups are the font of all knowledge, if it’s dreary parochial crap. Join yours and spend the first few hours wading through posts about local handymen, ‘dog mess’ and creepy attempts by men to ingratiate themselves if you’re a woman. Then ask about Jim and Carol, which will generate every possible sighting of Jims and Carols, leading to the conclusion that none of them are your Jim and Carol. A brilliant piece of crowdsourcing, made possible by retired people having f**k all to do.

Go door-to-door

You’ve done all you can from the comfort of your sofa and the need to know still consumes you. It’s time to be proactive and go house-to-house like Jehovah’s Witnesses. Take a clipboard for a nicely official touch. If by happy coincidence you are Jehovah’s Witnesses, you can combine your search for Jim and Carol with sharing the good news that Jesus is coming back any day now and has an odd grudge against blood transfusions and black pudding.

Become obsessed

You’ve come so far in your own Dan Brown novel you can’t stop now. Put a banner across a bridge, leave ‘Do you know Jim and Carol?’ notices on lamp posts, get on the local news – a story about obsessive local idiots always goes down well. ‘Please get in touch, Jim and Carol,’ you’ll plead, ‘You hand-posted a Christmas card and we can’t move on with our lives until we’ve given you one back.’ Hopefully they will come forward and you can get closure by sending them a cheap card of a robin that barely stands up.

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