Mum measures success of playdates by how pissed she gets

A MOTHER judges her children’s playdates to have gone well if she has consumed at least two large glasses of wine.

Emma Bradford, 37, confessed to not being overly bothered if her children develop their social and emotional skillsets with peers as long as she gets to sink half a bottle of Malbec.

She said: “The best way for kids to learn is to shut them in a room together and stick my head in every half-hour to shout something stern about ‘sharing’.

“And the best way for me to get on with another mum is to really have a good chat about schools and all that shit while sharing a bottle of wine. Or two, if we’re getting on really well.

“Bonus points if the other parent is willing to let them bingewatch My Little Pony while we go out the back for a quick fag.

“It’s not important whether they ‘get on’ with their playmates. They need to learn at some point that interacting with other humans without alcohol is frustrating and unpleasant, so why not start now?”

Bradford’s seven-year-old daughter Amelia, said: “I like going on playdates because afterwards mummy lets us have Haribo for tea.”

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How to boss people around by just wearing really expensive clothes

YOU could save hundreds of hours learning management skills by just dressing like an ostentatious arse, it has been confirmed.

Researchers found that dressing like one of those dreadful twats you see tumbling out of over-priced restaurants is all you need to gain total control over your team.

Workplace fashion expert Tom Logan said: “An absurdly expensive suit conveys the idea that you’re a shallow, rich, bastard who has done awful things to get where you are.

“Buy a £2000 silky blouse with patent leather epaulets that screams ‘I’ve ruined lives’ and your team will be in the office until midnight.

“And nothing says ‘I will fuck your career if you fuck with me’ like a pair of handmade brogues that cost as much as a flight to Barbados.”

He added: “To get started go to a boutique where you have to ring a bell to get in and are served by a dead-eyed shop assistant with an attitude that regularly wilts flowers.”