Nation searching for woolly hat that doesn’t make it look like an arsehole

THE UK has begun its annual search for a warm hat that does not make it look like a complete and utter tosser.

Across the country, Britons are attempting to balance their need to keep warm with their desire not to resemble a knitted condom, and failing.

Emma Bradford of Gravesend said: “There was a plain black one from TopShop, but when I put it on it had these two cat ears that made me look like a sad little toddler.

“Then I tried a white one that seemed unobtrusive until it caught the light and I saw it had rhinestones spelling out ‘frosty’. Why the fuck is that necessary. People know why I’m wearing a hat.

“The green one made me look like a binman. The midnight blue one made me look like a burglar. All of them made it look at least possible that I sleep on the streets.

“Basically for the next three months I’ll look like one of the fucking Flumps outside and I’ll have stupid hat hair inside. That’s the way it is.”

She added: “But I’m not going to go down the road of earmuffs. Those are the real freaks.”