Nation searching for woolly hat that doesn't make it look like an arsehole

THE UK has begun its annual search for a warm hat that does not make it look like a complete and utter tosser.

Across the country, Britons are attempting to balance their need to keep warm with their desire not to resemble a knitted condom, and failing.

Emma Bradford of Gravesend said: “There was a plain black one from TopShop, but when I put it on it had these two cat ears that made me look like a sad little toddler.

“Then I tried a white one that seemed unobtrusive until it caught the light and I saw it had rhinestones spelling out ‘frosty’. Why the fuck is that necessary. People know why I’m wearing a hat.

“The green one made me look like a binman. The midnight blue one made me look like a burglar. All of them made it look at least possible that I sleep on the streets.

“Basically for the next three months I’ll look like one of the fucking Flumps outside and I’ll have stupid hat hair inside. That’s the way it is.”

She added: “But I’m not going to go down the road of earmuffs. Those are the real freaks.”

May pays full price for item in Sports Direct

THERESA May has bought the only non-discounted item in Sports Direct, it has emerged. 

The prime minister was visiting the Maidenhead branch of the sporting retailer and, despite being surrounded by deeply discounted items, manage to make a beeline for the single item that was full price.

Store manager Wayne Hayes said: “She paused at a Lonsdale hoodie and a Slazenger bucket hat, which were 90 per cent off though still dreadful value for money.

“But somehow she picked up a Donnay umbrella – you’ve probably seen them abandoned and broken at the end of any outdoor event – that we’d missed when slapping massive fuck-off luminous stickers on everything slashing their prices.

“She took it to the counter and didn’t flinch when she was told the price was £39.95 which nobody’s ever paid in the history of the store.

“Credit to her, she went through with it even though she’d really bollocksed it up. Give her that at least.”