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Of course house guest is a f**king imposition

A HOUSEGUEST who sweetly said she did not want to impose should have thought of that before arriving at a friend’s home for a whole weekend. 

Sophie Rodriguez surprised Charlotte Phelps by arriving on Friday evening, insisting she would not be a burden and asking why there was not any oat milk in the fridge.

Phelps said: “Has Soph realised that home invasion is actually a genre of horror film? And even in those they’re not expected to put out fresh towels for them?

“If she wasn’t here, I’d be in my pants watching Honeymoon Island, might have a wank if I’m feeling cheerful. Instead I’m lounging around a suspiciously clean flat with a scented candle burning as if that was my usual Saturday.

“Making a bed and making her endless drinks would be tolerable if not having to constantly reassure her that nothing delights me more than her presence. ‘No fuss at all!’ I say when she asks to use all my make-up. ‘Let me stack the dishwasher!’ I resentfully volunteer.

“Even when she’s gone I’ll have a bed to deflate, no prosecco left and a weekend spent being a servant. Male houseguests are loads better. You get pissed with them, they sleep on the sofa, they’re gone by 10am leaving Sky Sports News on.”

Rodriguez said: “Lovely to see Lottie and I could relax after seeing the state of the place, knowing she’d gone to no effort.”

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Petrol still most reasonably-priced thing at service stations

DESPITE rising petrol prices it remains the only item at motorway service stations an average family can reasonably afford. 

A litre of unleaded from RoadTheft now currently costs an average of 164.08p, 235.02 less than a Mars Duo and 435.02 less than a Traditional Cornish Horse Perineum Gutster’s Pasty.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “However remorselessly oil multinationals sodomise the motorist, it’s nothing compared to the blobs of evil, treacly filth that operate the nation’s motorway rest stops.

“The total lack of competition gives these febrile hell-pits peddling the shittest of shit the right to charge prices that, at first, are taken for hallucinations.

“They’re so intensely and viciously levied they’re the only place foul enough for WH Smith to still thrive – them, train stations and bloody airports.”

Emma Bradford said: “I left my son at the pick ’n’ mix unsupervised. His selection cost £289.83 for three sickly bananas, a few shrimp and a littering of Smarties.”

A spokesperson for the Wealthy Break motorway services chain said: “Any issues with individual outlets can be addressed to the manager, whose contact number and gormless, dead-eyed face is clearly advertised by the bogs.”

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