Organised man finishes Christmas shopping for himself

AN organised man has already purchased all of his Christmas gifts to himself, he has confirmed. 

With weeks still to go, Tom Booker has made a strong start on the season of giving by picking up everything he had his eye on treating himself to.

Booker said: “It’s idiotic leaving Christmas shopping until the last minute. The shops might have sold out out of what I knew I wanted and I’d have never forgiven myself.

“That’s why I beat the rush last week by picking up everything on my list: carbon-fiber golf clubs, a Playstation 5, a drone I’ll inevitably break by Boxing Day, a few twelve packs of Amstel, the works.

“It only took a few hours on Amazon, and I’m glad I put the effort in early. Now I can take it easy and enjoy the Christmas spirit for the next few weekend, rather than have it nagging away at me, spoiling my drinking.

“There’s still my wife, the kids, my sister, mum and dad, a couple of mates and Secret Santa to get. But they don’t need anywhere need as much thought and effort. I’ll mainly do vouchers so they can pick stuff up cheap in the sales.

“Bosh, job done for another year.”

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LED facemarks, and other dystopian skincare trends capitalism is selling you

NAIVELY believe mere cleansing, toning and moisturising will stop you wrinkling like a hag? Capitalism doesn’t. It needs you to buy into these trends: 

LED face masks

Afterwards your skin will be plumper, younger and acne-free. While wearing it you look like a sci-fi serial killer open to requests. Proven to be 100 per cent effective in scaring the shit out of boyfriends, and recommended by Kourtney Kardashian among other total freaks. But if you don’t buy one it’s your own fault when you age.

Ice rolling

As if waking up wasn’t horrific enough, have you considered aggressively smothering your face with ice? Engineered to simply shock your skin into being that of an 18-year-old trust-fund influencer, these tiny rollers should be in a museum of medieval chastisements used by monks to suffer their way to heaven.

Gua sha stones

Our distant ancestors didn’t have skincare. They just had rocks and bloody amazing skin. And now you too can spend a disturbing amount of money on a fancy rock to rub on your face. Combining massage and brute force in an attempt to rewrite your genetic code with pseudoscience, it’s simpler than a 50-ingredient cream.

Pore vacuums

How can you say you love yourself when you’ve not treated your face like a hallway carpet? Using a mini-vacuum to violently exhume dirt from your pores like it’s the devil’s piss will leave you more violated than gently refreshed, and needing to invest in softening products. Capitalism: f**ks you both ways.

Thermal water

The difference between this and normal water? The price. It costs a shit-ton more, comes from natural springs and contains minerals. As does urine, coincidentally. Comes in a mist form, so you can imagine the lovely rainforest you might have visited if you hadn’t spent all your money on 22 different retinol serums.