THE British suburbs may seem a sexless desert of women in gardening kneepads and men washing cars, but they are actually red-hot pits of depravity. These are the signs:
As everyone knows, a proudly waving clump of pampas grass outside a home unfailingly means the occupants are wife-swappers who hold Saturday orgies with other married couples, at which they serve trays of nibbles. The friendly sway of the soft pampas fronds is a lure to the shaggers’ club within.
There’s only one reason for a garage conversion: a sex den. One that’s outfitted with stripper pole, love swing, hand-cranked three-dildo f**k machine and four mirrored walls. That’s what they’re doing in there. Never accept the loan of a drill. You don’t know where it’s been.
9pm Thursday night dogging
They’ve all got dogs and they all walk them religiously, but Thursday’s when it happens. That’s the day you’ll see them all, young and old, heading to the picnic benches in the park for their weekly outdoor sex show. All standing round wanking frenziedly, then going home as if they’re perfectly respectable and it never happens. But it does.
Every fourth house is an online brothel
The internet is swarming with OnlyFans housewives and they have to live somewhere. While the kids are at school they’re upstairs in panties logged on to some bloke in Malaysia. Check the wifi as you go past. If it’s the default router name that’s a sure sign.
‘No Turning’ sign in driveway
The centre of the street’s LGBTQ activities. Turning in their driveway brings the homeowner out immediately, ready to perform any number of lustful acts, which is why they’re furious when you drive away, and bang angrily on the window whenever they see your car after that. Because they’re gagging for suburban sex.