School holidays begin at unsustainable treat rate

PARENTS everywhere are beginning the six-week summer holidays at a rate of effort, fun and treats that will swiftly prove unsustainable.

Children are being taken on days out, given ice-creams and indulged with creative play by parents who seemingly have no idea how quickly their reserves of cash and energy will be exhausted.

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “We’ve finally got time together as a family, so let’s pack every day with togetherness. We’ll never get a second chance at summer 2023.

“I’m sure I won’t be flagging after a fun swim, clay session and board game in the first day. And the forest trail, pizza party and movie night tomorrow. And then there’s the whole week, and another weekend, then five more weeks and weekends.

“But it’s not going to end up like last year, with me lying on the sofa ordering them back on the Xbox if they dare take a break from Minecraft when I’m endlessly scrolling my phone. This year will be different.”

Nine-year-old Grace Bradford said: “I’m as stuffed with sweets as a piñata and wildly overstimulated. I’ve done weeks of school discos and summer fairs and residential trips and now I come home to this shit?

“If I can maintain a constant level of sullen ingratitude this should all be over by Tuesday. It’s for her own good.”

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How to drink four lagers before the 10.30am England game: a guide for women

SUPPORTING the Lionesses, who play Haiti at 10.30am today, means you have a duty to be properly lagered up before the game. Here’s how to get through it:

8.45am: Shower lager

Women notoriously spend too long in the shower, so the first can has to be cracked in there. While applying hot oil to your hair or shaving your armpits ensure you take frequent long swigs from your lager. Drink quickly, before it warms up and becomes disgusting, but not so quickly that you become dizzy and have to steady yourself on the glass.

9.15am: Breakfast lager

Not every breakfast goes well with lager. Yogurt and berries, as typically enjoyed by women in adverts, becomes particularly unpalatable. Cereal tastes too meek alongside a can of Red Stripe. A cooked full English is not only patriotic but a perfect accompaniment to your chosen hooligan fuel, and will help it slip easily down.

9.45am: Dressing room lager

In the absence of an England top to pop on – because women’s football fandom is Rizla-thin and doesn’t extend to their sartorial choices – getting dressed will be the usual faff. You should be feeling more than usually merry by now, so slap an outfit together with lager in hand and don’t worry about it matching anything. Make-up application should be carefree.

10.15am: Pre-game lager

At this point you should be so pissed your lagers practically open themselves and your hand feels empty without a can. Time to settle down for the pre-game analysis, which will be a load of f**king bollocks giving whoever’s facing England half a chance even though they’re shit and going to to get f**king tonked. Drain the final can of your four as the whistle for kick-off is blown. You are now ready to start drinking seriously.