'Those fishcakes need eating tonight': 15 romantic texts from your long-term partner

IT’S easy for the spark to go out of a relationship when you’re sick of the sight of them. But don’t despair – here are 15 texts from your partner that prove romance is alive and well.

‘Can you check if I flushed the toilet?’ Aw. What could be more intimate and trusting than asking your partner to check you haven’t left a massive floater in your rush to get to work?

‘There’s chilli con carne in the slow cooker.’ A clear hint they want you to eat the leftovers off each other’s naked bodies by the time the evening is through. Shame it’s totally bland shit.

‘Can you buy yourself an anniversary card?’ In a truly happy relationship, dates like anniversaries and birthdays fly by unnoticed due to being so besotted.

‘You forgot to put the green bin out again, you f**king idiot.’ Playful, light-hearted banter. An insight into how comfortable you’ve become with one another.

‘Stop leaving your pubes in the shower!!!’ Couples thrive on clear communication. Being truly honest with one another may well be the final taboo.

‘Those fish cakes need eating tonight.’ Clearly your partner wants a romantic meal, and is prepared to go to a lot of trouble microwaving some old fish.

‘Who the f**k is Julia?’ Your partner obviously values your relationship and is feisty, like Princess Leia. Which makes you Han Solo. Adorable.

‘Buy bog roll’ The sparse language shows you communicate effortlessly due to your deep bond built up over years. Definitely no need for a kiss, a please or even a ‘thank you’. 

‘You’ve spent too long on the toilet’ When you’ve found yourself a lover who’s happy to discuss the unfeasible amount of time you spend shitting and scrolling Instagram you’ve found a keeper.

‘Can you record Love Island on Sky+?’ She’s planning another evening where you sit in silence, blissfully happy with one another’s company, while she watches men with hard bodies and white teeth.

‘What time are your f**king parents coming round?’ You don’t just marry a person, you marry their family. Spending time with them strengthens the foundations of your own relationship. Plus there’s the potential inheritance once the coffin-dodging bastards finally die.

‘The baby’s shat itself’ Your partner does not want you to miss out on a second of your little one’s childhood and cannot wait for you to arrive back home.

‘Bring crisps, I’m hungover’ Your partner subconsciously wants to be loved and nurtured by you. Because they feel like shit. Remember to get cheese and onion not plain though or they’ll be angry.

‘Did I leave my straighteners on?’ Your safety is their top priority. And this concerned message appears eight to ten times a week, in fact whenever they leave the house. They must really love you.

‘I thought you were only going for one drink, arsehole’ Obvious code for ‘I miss you’. When your partner simply cannot wait to hold you in their arms again, you know you’ve found ‘the one’.

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Centrist calling for more civility in politics can f**k right off

A CENTRIST who believes everyone should show more civility towards right-wingers has been told to shove it up his liberal arse.

Oliver O’Connor believes that instead of calling Nigel Farage names such as ‘frog-faced racist shithead’ it would be better to debate with him in a civilised way, perhaps at a garden party hosted by The Spectator.

Liberals and leftists would then have a rational discussion with Farage about whether asylum seekers should be shot or bayoneted, which would be sure to make him reconsider his views.

O’Connor said: “Ed Balls’ podcast with George Osborne has definitely made the rich, supremely arrogant former chancellor question austerity. Jess Phillips having tea with Jacob Rees-Mogg was marvellous also. We can all see what a positive influence she’s had on him.

“Best of all was Keir Starmer drinking champagne with Rupert Murdoch. That was the height of civility. I’m sure Murdoch really regretted his ruthless, self-serving behaviour and didn’t make Starmer dance like a monkey for his amusement.”

However academic Donna Sheridan, author of Brown-Nosing Twats: Centrist Politics 2010-2023, said: “There’s only one way to treat the right-wing trolls, gaslighters, bigots and quasi-fascists currently running Britain and that’s to turn them into dogfood. 

“It sounds extreme, but think of the benefits. For a start you wouldn’t have so-called liberals pathetically bleating on every time someone on Twitter calls one of their Tory mates a bastard.”

O’Connor politely disagreed, saying: “Politics would be so much nicer if Jeremy Corbyn had done a jovial podcast with Priti Patel. But he didn’t, so it’s all the left’s fault again, quelle surprise.”