Shorts-wearing man reminded how splashy piss is

A MAN who has donned shorts for the summer months has been reminded how much urine spashes back from toilets. 

Joshua Hudson had forgotten quite how much of his regular urination is absorbed by jeans during the rest of the year until visiting the loo while naked from the knees downward.

Hudson said: “You’d think by the age of 38 I would remember this unpleasant mist, but it comes as a surprise every time.

“I’m already used to giving my knees a quick wipe with the loo roll after every wee at home. Obviously when I’m out the pub I just have to leave them to marinate.

“I’m not sure whether it’s worse to feel the wee splashing on my bare legs in the summer or to imagine how my lower legs must smell during the winter. Either way, it’s disgusting.

“Will I do anything about it? No. After nearly four decades of splashback I can’t be arsed to change my technique now. I might try to wash my jeans more often.

He added: “Another things I always forget in the summer is not to wear flip flops into a pub toilet. Have you ever got half an inch of lager piss on your bare foot? It’s not pleasant.”

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How to be the kind of England fan that gets a close-up on the telly

ENGLAND are 2-0 down in their semi-final with ten minutes to go, so this could be the last chance to get your face up on everyone’s Ultra HD. Here’s how: 

Turn on the waterworks

That distraught German girl weeping at her team’s defeat will always be held close to vindictive English hearts. Shed some tears of your own tonight, ideally making your facepaint run, and wait for ITV to zoom in. Get steaming drunk before the game to make emotions easier to articulate.

A sign with a difference

We’ve all seen Premier League fans paint the names of their favourite team onto a big white bedsheet. Why not show your appreciation by painting the name of your local non-league team onto a king-size mattress and take that onto the terrace?

Harass the newscaster.

What would a game be without pre-match interviews with fans? How far have you travelled, what will the score be, how will you face life if we lose, etc. Secure your place in the limelight by grunt-singing ‘it’s coming home’ while mooning the camera. Fame guaranteed.

Be the fat bloke

Quickly gain nine stone and remove your shirt. Time is short, so an intense regime of Gregg’s pasties washed down with whatever beer’s on special at the offy will build a physique that shouts of your patriotic support for athletic prowess.


Once a national pastime, as English as Stonehenge, sarcasm, and John Peel’s Festive Fifty, if the weather permits you should most definitely run onto the pitch naked. The players love it, the fans love it, and you’ll make countless new friends wherever the game’s televised.

Hire an Ed Sheeran lookalike

It’s a mystery why anyone likes Ed Sheeran, and an even bigger mystery why the cameras televise every football game he’s ever attended. Hire an Ed Sheeran lookalike and you’re guaranteed to make the news. If no professional lookalikes are available simply hang around with any ginger.

Be pretty