YOU’VE got a new puppy. Should your employer give you three weeks paid leave to enjoy learning to live and grow together? F**k they should:
You wanted the bloody thing
Yes, people want children and get time off for them. However newborn babies require much more care than puppies and play an important role in perpetuating the species. Your cockapoo has no such merits. It’s like asking for three weeks off because you’ve got a PlayStation 5.
It’s a f**king dog
No matter how caringly you raise this thing, it’s got limits. It’s never going to grasp mathematics or language or why nobody else is enjoying the sweet fragrance of bull mastiff piss on that postbox. What will three weeks really achieve?
If it wrecks your shit that’s your problem
Chewed-up cushions? Vomit on carpets? All because your nervous puppy’s been left at home? Sounds bad, but three weeks at home’s going to do nothing but convince it you’ll always be there, dogs are thick like that. If you don’t want your dog to wreck your house, don’t have a dog.
The right is too easily abused
So what, is it just puppies? Or kittens too? Or I hear Judy in property management’s having three weeks off for her new African Grey parrot, so why can’t I have it off for my Hermann’s tortoise. Before you know it every f**ker’s taking three weeks off for a new hamster every six months.
Pets don’t actually like you
It’s not a friend. It doesn’t understand you. It’s only always there for you because it’s locked in your house, and it only loves you because you feed it. You don’t need three weeks leave for that crushing realisation to hit.
It’s called pawternity leave
Absolutely f**king not on that basis alone.