TEENAGERS holidaying with their parents spend all day working out the fortnight-long lie they’ll tell their mates. Including these elements:
Kissed a hot American
Nationality and ethnic identity varies, but the kid who has talked to three girls ever always returns with a tale of whirlwind romance where they play a modern Casanova. Half-believed by everyone else secretly hoping a British accent can overcome a dogshit personality.
Met a celebrity
A classic desperate-for-attention you-can’t-prove-I didn’t ploy, but the story doesn’t stand up to scrutiny. Was Tom Holland really holidaying in an all-inclusive on the Algarve this summer? And why would he be so generous with his time to someone who’s a twat?
Had a near-death experience
One kid always returned with stories of a fortnight as Indiana Jones. They fought off a lion on safari, surfed down a rockslide, got involved with a local gangwar and became their chief assassin, etc. In reality, they were sitting in a caravan park in North Wales.
Made an incredible new rich friend
They just got chatting to this boy who’s the heir to the BetFred millions and spent the whole time in their penthouse suite in Dubai playing the latest VR video games and riding in helicopters. They’re going again next summer. To which the whole maths class responds with synchronised chinrubs.
Apparently the TeenZone of Butlins in Bognor Regis is full of crazy wild kids stealing booze, bonging weed and breaking into swimming pools at night before fleeing from the pigs. In reality the most daring thing they did all holiday was return their pedallo late.
Despite spraining an ankle doing parkour in PE, one kid outlines a half-term spent like Bear Grylls. They bungee-jumped and sky-dived and swam with dolphins, so no they’re not even bothered that you threw their bag on the roof of the theatre block. So there.