PLANNING a family day trip this weekend? Here’s how to perversely take revenge on your own children for all the crap day trips you had to go on.
Go somewhere that’s as boring as f**k to kids
Cathedrals are good, with their solemn atmosphere and dull information about the buttresses being replaced in 1561. But don’t rule out other non-attractions, eg. the Leicester Gas Museum. If your kids have completely blank expressions throughout, they’re feeling your pain.
Go somewhere that’s of no obvious interest to anyone
Try a featureless local reservoir. Walk aimlessly around a flat, grey expanse of water – you can’t go swimming because you’ll get sucked into a pipe – then just get in the car and go home. It’s been a classic day trip from your childhood. Speaking of which…
Spend a huge amount of time in the car
Spend so long in the car it becomes a day trip in itself. Five hours is about right. Ideally one child should suffer from car sickness, resulting in humiliating vomiting in a lay-by. There’s also ample time for arguing and crying, and for the full 80s experience make them listen to Shakin’ Stevens all the way.
Underwhelming Roman stuff
Roman sites like the walls of Chester would be incredible if there were actual Romans there, with crucifixions every hour and hapless Christians being fed to lions. But there aren’t.
Find the shittest zoo
The giraffes and penguins at London Zoo are amazing. Don’t go there. Instead find a small zoo with nondescript mammals that are some species of tapir or otter. Or find a zoo where you just stare listlessly at empty enclosures, making you unsure whether they’re out-of-use or the monkeys are clinically depressed.
Go somewhere that’s shut
Make it somewhere exciting like Legoland, only to find it isn’t open that day or closed 25 minutes ago. This will teach your children a valuable lesson in the many disappointments of life.