Six day trips from your childhood to inflict on your kids this weekend

PLANNING a family day trip this weekend? Here’s how to perversely take revenge on your own children for all the crap day trips you had to go on.

Go somewhere that’s as boring as f**k to kids

Cathedrals are good, with their solemn atmosphere and dull information about the buttresses being replaced in 1561. But don’t rule out other non-attractions, eg. the Leicester Gas Museum. If your kids have completely blank expressions throughout, they’re feeling your pain.

Go somewhere that’s of no obvious interest to anyone

Try a featureless local reservoir. Walk aimlessly around a flat, grey expanse of water – you can’t go swimming because you’ll get sucked into a pipe – then just get in the car and go home. It’s been a classic day trip from your childhood. Speaking of which…

Spend a huge amount of time in the car

Spend so long in the car it becomes a day trip in itself. Five hours is about right. Ideally one child should suffer from car sickness, resulting in humiliating vomiting in a lay-by. There’s also ample time for arguing and crying, and for the full 80s experience make them listen to Shakin’ Stevens all the way.

Underwhelming Roman stuff 

Roman sites like the walls of Chester would be incredible if there were actual Romans there, with crucifixions every hour and hapless Christians being fed to lions. But there aren’t.

Find the shittest zoo

The giraffes and penguins at London Zoo are amazing. Don’t go there. Instead find a small zoo with nondescript mammals that are some species of tapir or otter. Or find a zoo where you just stare listlessly at empty enclosures, making you unsure whether they’re out-of-use or the monkeys are clinically depressed.

Go somewhere that’s shut

Make it somewhere exciting like Legoland, only to find it isn’t open that day or closed 25 minutes ago. This will teach your children a valuable lesson in the many disappointments of life.

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Five desperate ways to still think Boris Johnson is doing his best

DOMINIC Cummings has damned Boris Johnson by saying tens of thousands of people needlessly died. If you’re a diehard Boris supporter, here’s how to pretend he’s still great.

Cummings is a liar

You believed him over the Barnard Castle thing when Boris was sticking up for him, but he was obviously a big fibber all along. Apart from his Vote Leave campaign, of course. Anything that led to Brexit is the gospel truth.

Poor Boris was ill

Who could expect Boris to be on top form last summer after he’d been so ill? You’d think he’d have developed some empathy after being in intensive care and not talked about bodies piling high, but he was probably just tired and cranky rather than being a horrible narcissist.

I couldn’t do any better

Tell yourself this, despite the evidence clearly pointing to Johnson f**king things up. Don’t remind yourself that he’s been gunning to be prime minister since Eton and should therefore be capable of the job he desperately wanted.

He was prepared to be injected with Covid on telly

Surely the mark of a heroic leader prepared to do anything for his country? Apart from the fact that it would have been monumentally stupid, it’s the kind of bullshit hubris that got us here in the first place and he probably would have died, it’s a great plan.

At least he’s not Matt Hancock

At the very least, you can comfort yourself with the fact that Boris isn’t Matt Hancock, who is allegedly an even bigger liar than the Prime Liar himself. Not that this means he’ll be fired. What a great government.