Monday, 10th May 2021

Six shit things to have in your garden

SUMMER is nearly here and it’s time to transform your garden into the envy of your neighbours. If your neighbours love things that are tacky and tasteless.

Lurid garden ornaments

Gnomes. Animals made from stone. Animals wearing clothes. Twee ‘Our garden’ ceramic signs. And don’t forget dozens of solar lights in the shape of dragonflies, birds and medieval torches that constantly change colour. What could be more relaxing than a garden that looks like a scene out of Blade Runner

Trampolines

A once-fun item that now has the same ‘sink estate’ stigma as leaving a broken fridge in your front garden. Even neighbours who aren’t terrible snobs won’t be overjoyed to have bouncing children looking into their garden all the time while constantly screaming.

A gas barbecue

You are not Bear Grylls, cooking at one with the natural world – it’s just a kitchen hob on wheels. You’re meant to cook over wood or charcoal, not set up a mini mobile catering unit on the patio. If you can’t even deal with a few firelighters, it’s time to ask if you are a real man.

Plastic furniture

Don’t worry about your carbon footprint, get some cheap lumps of non-biodegradable tat made in a slave labour factory in China. When they break under someone’s normal weight, dispose of them in an equally responsible way, in a local field or lake.

An artificial lawn

The last word in shit taste and knee-skinning impracticality and all because you’re too bone idle to mow the lawn. Spend a fortune having it installed, before wondering how you thought this lurid monstrosity could ever be passed off as grass. It’s too late now, so avoid the issue by shutting the curtains and never going back into the garden.

A hot tub

Get a grip – you live in the UK, not a beachside mansion in the Caribbean. Invite all your friends round to christen it with a prosecco party then realise it’s still f**king freezing out there, even in June. And your neighbours will forever believe you are sleazy swingers.