DEPUTY prime minister Oliver Dowden has advised Britons over-reliant on the internet to stock up on candles, batteries and pornographic magazines.
Dowden, who launches an official government resilience website next year, warned that the country has become too dependent on the internet for both information and masturbation and should lay in alternatives.
He continued: “To be resilient in this digital age there are some analogue capabilities it makes sense to retain. To wit a small stack of Razzle, Penthouse and Big Ones.
“It used to be the case that everyone had a battery-powered radio and a copy of Knave. Today? You’ll frequently see homes with neither.
“If there’s a power outage, where will you get news from? And when you light your candles, what will there be worth looking at if you don’t have an emergency stash of 1990s Fiesta in the loft? You’ll be wanking dry.
“Stock up for emergencies now. Head to your local rough newsagent, the one that sells smuggled cigarettes, and behold a cornucopia of top-shelf pornography awaiting your purchase. It is the prudent thing to do.”
He added: “It may be best to avoid the sections dedicated to Reader’s Wives unless you have experience in that area. I have not been the same since.”