Stock up on candles, batteries and print pornography, advises government

DEPUTY prime minister Oliver Dowden has advised Britons over-reliant on the internet to stock up on candles, batteries and pornographic magazines. 

Dowden, who launches an official government resilience website next year, warned that the country has become too dependent on the internet for both information and masturbation and should lay in alternatives.

He continued: “To be resilient in this digital age there are some analogue capabilities it makes sense to retain. To wit a small stack of Razzle, Penthouse and Big Ones.

“It used to be the case that everyone had a battery-powered radio and a copy of Knave. Today? You’ll frequently see homes with neither.

“If there’s a power outage, where will you get news from? And when you light your candles, what will there be worth looking at if you don’t have an emergency stash of 1990s Fiesta in the loft? You’ll be wanking dry.

“Stock up for emergencies now. Head to your local rough newsagent, the one that sells smuggled cigarettes, and behold a cornucopia of top-shelf pornography awaiting your purchase. It is the prudent thing to do.”

He added: “It may be best to avoid the sections dedicated to Reader’s Wives unless you have experience in that area. I have not been the same since.”

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Coolest kid in playground has already completed GTA 6 trailer

THE coolest kid in a school’s playground has already completed the Grand Theft Auto 6 trailer after it leaked last night, he has boasted. 

Year nine pupil Oliver O’Connor, who vapes in the corridors, breezed through the 90-second trailer early this morning and is now talking about its contents with a cool air of indifference.

He said: “It’s piss easy. Just go to YouTube, type in GTA6, press play. Even your mum could do it after I’ve finished shagging her.

“Yeah, it’s pretty incredible, going back to the hardcore sex-and-violence roots of the series. You rob shit, you race stolen cars, you chat up lap-dancers, it’s pretty much an average weekend for me.

“The actual game’s not out until 2025, but my uncle knows a guy at Rockstar so by this time tomorrow I’ll have finished it. You could come round and have a go but I’m busy training for the England under-17s team.”

O’Connor’s English teacher Nikki Hollis said: “Not only has Oliver completed the trailer, he’s apparently the one who leaked it early. I wish I was as cool as him.”