Stupid shit to do when you're filthy rich in London

THE ‘sky pool’ in London has caused controversy because local paupers aren’t allowed to use it. Here are some ostentatious things to do if you’re a rich Londoner.

Driving a Ferrari at 15mph

You must own a high-performance sports car, even if it’s the worst possible vehicle to drive in London’s snail-pace traffic. On the upside, it keeps other road users entertained when you’re stuck behind a 345 bus or keep stalling every 15 minutes.

Ludicrous basement conversions 

Ordinary people feel blessed if their house has a basement to keep a Black & Decker Workmate in. Not you. Buy two f**king massive town houses next to each other, then create a ginormous basement with a home cinema, bowling alley and, quite possibly, a Jurassic Park-style dinosaur zoo. Then watch it slowly collapse because you’ve undermined the foundations.

The sky pool 

To be fair, swimming hundreds of metres above the ground looks pretty cool. But your watery frolicking is made all the more enjoyable by knowing the unwashed local peasants are looking on in envy, isn’t it, you twats?

Going to a trendy restaurant full of other arseholes

All you need for a great meal is decent food, drinkable wine and good company, right? Wrong. It’s important that you’re sitting in the vicinity of utter twats like Charles Saatchi and nibbling on questionable nouvelle cuisine such as individually deep-fried caviar in tempura batter on a bed of poached Polynesian carrot shards.

‘Exclusive’ nightclubs

If your idea of a good night out is catching a brief glimpse of Tom Hiddleston going for a piss while paying £25 for a drink, good for you. You’d actually have more fun doing a couple of pills in a dodgy South London rave where at least the Red Stripe only costs £5 a can.

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Six things men can find before they find the clitoris

FORTY per cent of men could not identify the clitoris on a diagram. But here are six things they can find no trouble: 

The switch to open the bonnet

It can be difficult, especially in a new car where you have to kneel on the ground while peering into a dark footwell. And yes it’s labelled and may even light up, unlike the female pleasure centre, but ladies always have theirs in the same place no matter what the model. You only have to find it once.

Bigfoot 

This ape-like hominid has eluded discovery and capture for decades. However, an expedition to the Pacific Northwest – including tents, GPS, paralysing darts, etc – would attract a lot more funding and interest than a hunt for the probably mythical ‘clitoris’.

Those f**king keys

Where are they? You’ve got to go to work and they’re… in the kitchen? In the pocket of your other trousers? Next to the phone? Men will eventually find the keys – they were in their jacket – but won’t look nearly as hard for something that does no more than give a woman an orgasm. That’s not a must, it’s a nice-to-have.

New sub-atomic particles 

The €7.5m Large Hadron Collider, developed over decades of painstaking research, has allowed CERN to discover the existence and behaviour of sub-atomic particles that are almost impossible to observe. This is still easier for male scientists than locating the clitoris.

Faerie folk

The total lack of evidence for fae, goblins, tree sprites and similar bollocks suggests they do not exist. But a man would open the gates to the land of summer’s twilight and take tea with Queen Titania quicker than doing a lot of vague rubbing in a woman’s overall groin area with no noticeable result.

The Ark of the Covenant 

Lost forever in history, rediscovered by Indiana Jones, then lost again to American bureaucracy, this artefact would be a cinch for blokes to track down and deliver to their government. However they wouldn’t try to look at it in case its incredible holy radiance melted their faces, so exactly how they treat women’s fannies.