THE ‘sky pool’ in London has caused controversy because local paupers aren’t allowed to use it. Here are some ostentatious things to do if you’re a rich Londoner.
Driving a Ferrari at 15mph
You must own a high-performance sports car, even if it’s the worst possible vehicle to drive in London’s snail-pace traffic. On the upside, it keeps other road users entertained when you’re stuck behind a 345 bus or keep stalling every 15 minutes.
Ludicrous basement conversions
Ordinary people feel blessed if their house has a basement to keep a Black & Decker Workmate in. Not you. Buy two f**king massive town houses next to each other, then create a ginormous basement with a home cinema, bowling alley and, quite possibly, a Jurassic Park-style dinosaur zoo. Then watch it slowly collapse because you’ve undermined the foundations.
The sky pool
To be fair, swimming hundreds of metres above the ground looks pretty cool. But your watery frolicking is made all the more enjoyable by knowing the unwashed local peasants are looking on in envy, isn’t it, you twats?
Going to a trendy restaurant full of other arseholes
All you need for a great meal is decent food, drinkable wine and good company, right? Wrong. It’s important that you’re sitting in the vicinity of utter twats like Charles Saatchi and nibbling on questionable nouvelle cuisine such as individually deep-fried caviar in tempura batter on a bed of poached Polynesian carrot shards.
If your idea of a good night out is catching a brief glimpse of Tom Hiddleston going for a piss while paying £25 for a drink, good for you. You’d actually have more fun doing a couple of pills in a dodgy South London rave where at least the Red Stripe only costs £5 a can.