Tax on second Christmas trees proposed

A CROSS-PARTY working group has proposed a tax on households that have more than one Christmas tree. 

Representatives from all parliamentary parties have agreed that some things are more important than petty politics, and a message needs to be sent.

Denys Finch Hatton, member for Coventry South, said: “It’s a worrying new societal norm to have a second tree, and our policy is clear: no f**king way.

“You’ve already got a 6ft Norway Spruce taking up half the lounge. Your six strings of fairy lights and curated array of baubles send a very clear signal that you love Christmas more than Jesus himself did.

“You don’t need another one on the landing. The children don’t need them in their bedrooms. It’s getting so you can’t take a dump without a Christmas tree twinkling gently at you. Give it a rest.

“The tax, which is double your annual council tax or £15,000, whichever’s higher, applies to real trees, fake trees and tiny potted plants pretending to be trees with branches bending under about a kilo of fake snow.

“One tree per household, no matter how big the house is or how festive you feel. And anyone who tries to have a third tree will be banned from Christmas for life.”

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How to distract Trump while he's in London

PRESIDENT Trump arrived in London for a NATO summit last night, and we desperately need him to stay out of our politics. How can we distract him? 

Christmas markets

Trump, who has yet to see a globe without complaining that Trump Tower isn’t on it, is easily geographically confused. Walking him through a German Christmas market will convince him he’s in Munich, rendering him harmless.

The London Dungeon

Like all Americans, Trump essentially believes Britain to be the past. A trip to the dungeon will fit perfectly with his expectations, letting him think the waxworks being tortured are ISIS and allowing him to unmask a between-jobs actor and believe he’s finally caught Jack the Ripper.

National Gallery trolley-dash

Trump likes art if it’s expensive and he owns it. Taking him around the nation’s precious collection of paintings and telling him he can choose any one he likes will keep him busy, and in the end he can be tricked into taking home a small watercolour by Britain’s most celebrated artist, Prince Charles.

Statue tour

The president’s vanity will be immensely flattered by a tour of all of London’s many statues of him, from Trump Column in Trafalgar Square to the statue of him dressed as a Roundhead outside Parliament to his statue on horseback outside the Bank of England. He won’t read the plinths. He’ll never know.

A day on the Tube

Escort the fake billionaire down to the Tube and simply keep him there, changing lines regularly and telling him this is how Londoners love to spend their time. Occasionally drop in facts like ‘Now we’re entering Zone One, the most exclusive zone’ or ‘This is the very train Sherlock Holmes used’ and he’ll be agog.

Tea with Prince Andrew

A pair of beleaguered, aggrieved narcissists who believe that nobody understands that they did nothing wrong bitching about their mistreatment by the biased press? The hours will fly by.