Saturday, 7th December 2019

Tax on second Christmas trees proposed

A CROSS-PARTY working group has proposed a tax on households that have more than one Christmas tree. 

Representatives from all parliamentary parties have agreed that some things are more important than petty politics, and a message needs to be sent.

Denys Finch Hatton, member for Coventry South, said: “It’s a worrying new societal norm to have a second tree, and our policy is clear: no f**king way.

“You’ve already got a 6ft Norway Spruce taking up half the lounge. Your six strings of fairy lights and curated array of baubles send a very clear signal that you love Christmas more than Jesus himself did.

“You don’t need another one on the landing. The children don’t need them in their bedrooms. It’s getting so you can’t take a dump without a Christmas tree twinkling gently at you. Give it a rest.

“The tax, which is double your annual council tax or £15,000, whichever’s higher, applies to real trees, fake trees and tiny potted plants pretending to be trees with branches bending under about a kilo of fake snow.

“One tree per household, no matter how big the house is or how festive you feel. And anyone who tries to have a third tree will be banned from Christmas for life.”