CHILDREN are too stupid to know a good thing when they see it. These childhood experiences should really be restricted to discerning adults like you.
The Clarks foot gauge
For kids, this little device is an annoying formality on the path to getting velcro school shoes. For grown-ups it’s the equivalent of a full body massage. Even the thought of your foot being gently squeezed at the sides by a sales assistant is enough to send euphoric shivers up your spine. You’d go into Clarks by yourself and ask to have a go if it wasn’t weird.
Summer holidays
Imagine it. Six weeks of being able to do f**k all. And because children don’t have a proper concept of time, they’re effectively enjoying an eternity of lying in and watching cartoons all day. If heaven exists, it surely resembles this. You’d appreciate it too, not like your kids who have the nerve to be bored.
Supermarket trolley child seats
The big shop is a weekly trauma of loading increasingly expensive ready meals into a trolley and realising you forgot your bag for life again. Not for kids though, who get a rickshaw-style ride through the dizzying aisles of consumerism as they’re pushed around by a giant. You’d definitely climb in if trolleys had big seats for adults. It’d be worth your partner going off sex indefinitely.
Bouncy castles
Sure, these inflated playhouses offer plenty of gravity-defying fun. That’s not what you miss though. No, you’re pining for a time when your spine and knees could withstand endlessly bouncing around and bumping into other people. These days you can only look on like some terrifying spectre of the ageing process. You don’t even get a scythe like the Grim Reaper, although that might raise a few eyebrows at Charlotte’s birthday party.
Children’s menus
Adult food is pretentious and costly. And it doesn’t even come with an activity pack and a little box of crayons. Meanwhile kids get treated to dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets at a very reasonable price. Even the names of their meals are more fun. Worst of all though is the fact that the novelty sails right over their adorable, ungrateful heads.
