The Clarks foot gauge: Experiences too good to be wasted on your kids

CHILDREN are too stupid to know a good thing when they see it. These childhood experiences should really be restricted to discerning adults like you.

The Clarks foot gauge

For kids, this little device is an annoying formality on the path to getting velcro school shoes. For grown-ups it’s the equivalent of a full body massage. Even the thought of your foot being gently squeezed at the sides by a sales assistant is enough to send euphoric shivers up your spine. You’d go into Clarks by yourself and ask to have a go if it wasn’t weird.

Summer holidays

Imagine it. Six weeks of being able to do f**k all. And because children don’t have a proper concept of time, they’re effectively enjoying an eternity of lying in and watching cartoons all day. If heaven exists, it surely resembles this. You’d appreciate it too, not like your kids who have the nerve to be bored.

Supermarket trolley child seats

The big shop is a weekly trauma of loading increasingly expensive ready meals into a trolley and realising you forgot your bag for life again. Not for kids though, who get a rickshaw-style ride through the dizzying aisles of consumerism as they’re pushed around by a giant. You’d definitely climb in if trolleys had big seats for adults. It’d be worth your partner going off sex indefinitely.

Bouncy castles

Sure, these inflated playhouses offer plenty of gravity-defying fun. That’s not what you miss though. No, you’re pining for a time when your spine and knees could withstand endlessly bouncing around and bumping into other people. These days you can only look on like some terrifying spectre of the ageing process. You don’t even get a scythe like the Grim Reaper, although that might raise a few eyebrows at Charlotte’s birthday party.

Children’s menus

Adult food is pretentious and costly. And it doesn’t even come with an activity pack and a little box of crayons. Meanwhile kids get treated to dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets at a very reasonable price. Even the names of their meals are more fun. Worst of all though is the fact that the novelty sails right over their adorable, ungrateful heads.

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The train, and other places that make seeing a dog 10x more exciting

THE only thing better than seeing a dog is seeing a dog in a place you didn’t expect so you can say to whoever you’re with: ‘Look, a dog!’ Here are the most thrilling locations.

The train

When passengers try to wedge themselves onto your morning commuter train, they are inconsiderate shitheads. Unless one of them is a dog, in which case everyone needs to clear a path for the owner of this sweet, darling princess, and let her sit next to you.

The airport

A highlight for sure, as everyone can point and go: ‘Look at that good boy doing his job!’ It doesn’t matter that this crazed, cocaine-obsessed spaniel has no concept of what a ‘job’ is – he’s wearing a little uniform!

A passing car

Seeing some wanker speed past you in the left-hand lane is rage-inducing. Realising there’s a dog in the car, maybe even sat upright in the passenger seat like a proper person? Pure gold.


Even for non-dog people, there’s no thrill quite like the anarchy a dog in the office will bring. Who will it bark at? Where will it throw up? And, most importantly, how long will it be before another company-wide email is sent about only bringing in animals that are toilet trained?

The pub

Pubs aren’t exactly boring places, but adding a furry friend can only take them to an even higher level. Especially as the dog will inevitably end up being offered a bit of someone’s pint, which will be the funniest thing to happen all evening, and possibly in the entire lives of the regulars.

The school playground

Last but not least, there is no more formative experience in a child’s life than a loose dog wandering into the playground. Not only is it a dog, it brings a manic energy, with teachers and dinner ladies falling over each other trying to chase the pup down. Truly a moment for the history books.