We'd want more sex if you were better at it, women tell men

WOMEN have collectively told men that the best way to make them want more sex is to become competent at it. 

Men are being encouraged to try the radical approach of making intercourse something women actively look forward to, rather than a mildly engrossing task like making a cheese sandwich.

Woman Lucy Phelps said: “Men spend vast amounts of time and money trying to work out which aftershave will attract women, how to manipulate us into situations which might lead to sex, and which tricks will turn sensible women into coitus-crazy horndogs.

“All of that effort would be better put to use learning where the clitoris is and not to treat it as a chew toy. And also that a blowjob does not constitute ‘fun foreplay for both of us’.

“Further to that, you should not tap your dick against a woman’s leg before you put it in, much less her face, and what the actual f**k is nipple pinching supposed to achieve?

“Kissing should never involve teeth-licking, which is good only for getting little pieces of meat out from between incisors. At least try to provide a more satisfying experience in bed than using a toothpick.”

Man Nathan Muir said: “I have considered asking a woman what might bring her the most pleasure but that would entail listening to a woman and, even worse, potentially doing what she says. 

“I’ve learned all I need to know from internet porn anyway. It’s all there, ball gags, MILF threesomes, bukkake parties, all the stuff women love.”

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Keir Starmer: 'I would be too thick to get into university today'

LABOUR leader Keir Starmer has claimed that he would never be able to attend university today because he would be too unintelligent.

He made the shock admission on a visit to Worthing where he discussed ways in which Labour would make the university system fairer for halfwits, dolts and dullards like himself.

Starmer said: “As a working-class lad coming from honest Northern Surrey, I was able to attend university because they had lowered their standards.

“Today? No chance. A durr-brain like myself, studying law at the University of Leeds? Come on. I wouldn’t get through a year without overloading my brain so deeply I’d be paying the price for decades to come.

“Back then, I could take a final exam, write a 100-word essay on whether crime was against the law, and walk out of there a barrister. Today’s teenagers don’t have that opportunity.

“Cretinous young people have to stay at home with their parents, who can help button shirts and show them which end of the spoon you eat with, and that’s holding back their aspirations. I’ll open higher education up to stupid bastards again.”

Education secretary Gillian Keegan said: “Nonsense. Anyone borrowing £50k for a worthless degree to enter Britain’s terminally depressed job market is already shit-thick.”