The Englishman abroad's guide to foreigners' bloody ridiculous customs

HOLIDAYING abroad is a bewildering experience for patriotic Brits. Here dyed-in-the-wool xenophobe Roy Hobbs explains the bollocks you’ll have to put up with from the weird locals.

Stupid breakfasts

There’s only one proper breakfast – a full English dripping in nourishing cholesterol. Fruit and yoghurt? That’s not food. Croissants? Just flaky pasties with no filling. You’ll have to find somewhere advertising ‘English breakfasts’. The useless foreign f**kers still won’t have any black pudding though, so my wife and I always take a suitcase full to be on the safe side.  

Iced coffee

What the f**k? You wouldn’t eat a hot Cornetto, would you? The English drink proper coffee: instant, scalding hot, with five sugars. Coffee’s for Remainers anyway and you should be drinking tea from Yorkshire Tea bags full of delicious dust. They’re hard to get hold of, so stay in an expat enclave with English pubs and supermarkets where you may as well have not bothered flying abroad in the first place.

Taking care in the sun

Sun cream and aftersun are for women and ponces. You can spot a real man a mile off with his blistering, lobster-red body. Just drink plenty of lager to stay hydrated and blot out the pain, and you’ll soon be bright red with white bits. Add a blue baseball cap and you’ll be the colours of the Union Jack, and nothing’s more attractive than that. 

Not speaking proper English

It’s like the British Empire never existed with foreigners nowadays, many of whom don’t understand basic English phrases like ‘Where’s the bogs, I’m bustin’ fer a piss’ and just jabber away in their made-up gobbledegook. The Greeks don’t even have a proper alphabet, just squiggles and things. Granted, I don’t speak a word of Spaniard, but Sir Francis Drake kicked their arses, which I’m totally convinced is relevant in some way.

Crap chips

Greece reckons it’s the birthplace of civilisation and the French think they invented fine food, so why can’t they do proper chips? Those skinny, shitty little fries have clearly never had a good long soak in a deep fat fryer to get properly soggy. If they know so much about food, how come they eat manky old horses and stuff out of the garden pond? Wankers.

Ridiculous meal times

Everybody knows teatime is 6pm, no ifs, no buts. Yet these foreigns don’t even think about eating until 9 or 10 o’clock at night! They’ll claim it’s cooler then, like there’s something wrong with eating in the blazing sun with sweat pouring off your face onto your burger. If you ask me they’re just too lazy to eat earlier, which is why they’ll never be great like Britain.

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'I walked in and Gavin Williamson was rimming a tarantula'

THE government is facing more embarrassing sex allegations after an advisor claimed he saw Gavin Williamson performing a sex act on a venomous spider.

During Williamson’s stint as education secretary, the unnamed spad forgot to knock before entering his office and found him hunched over the spider’s hairy abdomen “in an obvious state of arousal”.

He said: “That tarantula – Caligula, I think he called it – always creeped me out. Nothing could prepare me for this though. I still get nightmares about all those horrible hairy legs and Williamson saying, ‘You like it, don’t you? Oh yeah.’

“He was clearly giving the spider a good rimming. It kind of puts the Boris blowjob story into perspective, but I don’t know what to expect next. Truss making a male sex doll out of cheese? She’s weird enough. She’d probably be gutted when he went mouldy.”

A government spokesman said: “The spider incident categorically did not happen, but when we’re forced to admit it did I would point out it is common for tarantula owners to groom their pets with their tongue.

“When that lie also unravels, the fact remains that whatever happened between Williamson and the spider was entirely consensual, and turns my stomach far less than the thought of Matt Hancock having normal sex with a human woman.”

Williamson – who no one can quite believe is now Sir Gavin – was unavailable for comment due to being on holiday with friends in a vivarium.