Friday, 30th October 2020

The pensioner's guide to why Britain is just terrible nowadays

FROM teenage policemen to reality TV, Britain is a terrible country to live in these days. 76-year-old Roy Hobbs lists a few of the problems:

Too much food

All these ‘ready pizzas’ and ‘microwave potatoes’ are making people lazy. We never ate that rubbish. These career women should get back to being homemakers, and if they don’t like coring a cabbage with a jackknife there’s always valium.

All these people off work

When I was an apprentice you were at work on time or the foreman hit you in the testicles with a three-foot steel ruler. These days you get one global pandemic and everyone’s working from home on their wireless. Whack ‘em in the balls and they’d soon be back in the office.

Buses

In my day you gave the conductor one and six and got a nice paper ticket. Now it’s all these stupid fiddly payment cards making everyone’s life a misery. The driver wasn’t Polish, is what I’m trying to say.

The transsexuals

I follow the news closely – Daily Mail, Telegraph, Express – and these transers are the biggest threat to Britain since the Nazis or Corbyn. Before long you literally won’t know who’s a man or woman and you won’t be allowed to ask. A good war with Spain is long overdue.

The television

All it is now is sex and violence and barrack-room language. I long for the 1970s when you could have a good chuckle at a well-written, hilarious sitcom like On the Buses, then make a cuppa and settle down for a wholesome film like Death Wish.

All these protesters

How long is it before these Black Lives Matter types want being white to be illegal? You might think that’s utter rubbish but don’t expect to get a word of sense out of me, because my mind’s addled and I don’t listen to a word anyone says. You’ll be the same one day.