The pensioner's guide to why Britain is just terrible nowadays

FROM teenage policemen to reality TV, Britain is a terrible country to live in these days. 76-year-old Roy Hobbs lists a few of the problems:

Too much food

All these ‘ready pizzas’ and ‘microwave potatoes’ are making people lazy. We never ate that rubbish. These career women should get back to being homemakers, and if they don’t like coring a cabbage with a jackknife there’s always valium.

All these people off work

When I was an apprentice you were at work on time or the foreman hit you in the testicles with a three-foot steel ruler. These days you get one global pandemic and everyone’s working from home on their wireless. Whack ‘em in the balls and they’d soon be back in the office.

Buses

In my day you gave the conductor one and six and got a nice paper ticket. Now it’s all these stupid fiddly payment cards making everyone’s life a misery. The driver wasn’t Polish, is what I’m trying to say.

The transsexuals

I follow the news closely – Daily Mail, Telegraph, Express – and these transers are the biggest threat to Britain since the Nazis or Corbyn. Before long you literally won’t know who’s a man or woman and you won’t be allowed to ask. A good war with Spain is long overdue.

The television

All it is now is sex and violence and barrack-room language. I long for the 1970s when you could have a good chuckle at a well-written, hilarious sitcom like On the Buses, then make a cuppa and settle down for a wholesome film like Death Wish.

All these protesters

How long is it before these Black Lives Matter types want being white to be illegal? You might think that’s utter rubbish but don’t expect to get a word of sense out of me, because my mind’s addled and I don’t listen to a word anyone says. You’ll be the same one day.

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Five free things Rishi Sunak could fob the public off with next

EAT Out To Help Out’s success proves that Britain can be bought off with anything halfway free. Here’s what Rishi Sunak should try next.

A Chicken & Mushroom Pot Noodle

Now the Nando’s tap has been turned off, the country’s diners need cheap, tasty MSG-laden fare from somewhere. Enjoy chain dining at home by serving your Pot Noodle with fries and coleslaw and pretending very hard it is not weird synthetic slop.

A brick

A single 40p housebrick doesn’t sound great, but you’re not factoring in Britain’s tightarses for whom it’s not about the money or usefulness, it’s getting something for free. Also collect enough and you’ve got a house, so it’s your own fault you’re still living with mum and dad, millennials.

Half-off at the bookie’s and vape shops

Develop a bargain gambling addiction and take up vaping to save money on liquid nicotine in flavours like ‘Mango Menthol’ and ‘Blueberry Tobacco Ice’. It’s all getting our high streets moving again, and perhaps soon every single store will be a vape shop or a bookie’s.

A fish

To eat or keep as a pet. The main thing is that it rhymes properly – ‘Rishi’s fishies’ – which will be helpful to the press as they try to spin it as another Tory triumph. And if British fish are worth a no-deal Brexit, then it’s surely worth you keeping a pet mackerel.

A poke in the eye with a shitty stick

Superficially, not that appealing. However, it’s free and a large number of voters applaud anything the government does because Brexit and immigrants. Excrement-based eyeball-pokings will attract queues around the block to back Boris.