The top six scents if candlemakers targeted middle aged men

MEN aren’t known for their love of scented candles. Maybe that’s because the manufacturers aren’t using the right fragrances, like these…

Industrial products

Middle aged men have a strong affinity for products with a chemical toxicity: creosote, turps, petrol. A man who doesn’t notice his partner’s new perfume will easily distinguish which brand of gloss paint has been used just from the smell. Incorporate layers of solvents into a candle, light in a well-ventilated area and you’ll have a very happy man, and probably dead pets.

Anything being cooked or burned

Whether it be charred burgers on a barbecue or furniture on a bonfire, middle aged men love the visual and olfactory delights of heat and fire. A candle with the greasy scent of a distant burger van or cardboard boxes being burned in the back garden would be a must for Christmas stockings, especially if it took half an hour to light then became an uncontrollable inferno.

His own farts

Smelling their own farts is a lifelong hobby of most men, who like to savour what anal parfum they’ve crafted today. Obviously a candle reeking of other men’s farts would be horrible, so it’s a bit of a non-starter in mass production terms for Yankee Candle.

Retro perfumes

Brings back the heady, carefree days when men fell in love with the first girl to pay them any attention. And you’ll never forget the fragrance she wore – Tramp by Lentheric, Charlie, or the sophisticated Le Jardin by Max Factor. Stick those in candles and it’ll raise the sap in a middle-aged man quicker than a two-for-one offer in Halfords.

Freshly-cut grass

If a man has a lawn he will wax lyrical about its freshness when cut. If your partner needs to be distracted, you could light this candle and watch him over-dramatically filling his lungs and emitting an ‘Aaaahhhh’ as he says, ‘Freshly cut grass, can’t beat it!’ Basically catnip for dads.


As with farts, men take great pleasure in testing the quality of stench from various bodily areas, whether a gentle scratch and sniff of the arse-crack, or deep inhalation of a sour armpit. If Gwyneth Paltrow can release a ‘This Smells Like My Vagina’ candle, it should be easy to capture the male market with: ‘Jesus It’s Like Something Died Up There’ or ‘Mings Like My Little Unwashed Soldier’.

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The gammon's guide to telling your children the truth about the climate hoax

NAMBY-PAMBY liberals say you should sit down with your kids and discuss climate change. Here Wayne Hayes explains how he’s teaching them the truth, not eco-fascist lies.

It’s just weather 

Kids understand that the weather varies, but explain high temperatures in terms that make sense to a child: tell them if we didn’t have lovely toasty global warming they’d have to stay indoors all the time and never see their friends, or the family dog would freeze solid and his head would snap off.

Don’t scare them

Children are impressionable and dwell on things, so discuss climate change in a calm, unworried way. Explain that the evil climate scientists can’t hurt them, and if one comes to your house you’ll splatter their brains everywhere with a hammer. You don’t want them to have nightmares.

Eco-activists hate progress

Children should understand the motivation of green campaigners – they’re psychopaths who hate modern society. Ask if they want to live in a world with no day trips because cars are banned. Or live in a freezing hut with no lighting, TV or computer games. Or if they want to die from massive pus-filled sores because greens hate modern medicine. They’ll soon develop a healthy scepticism about global warming.

Make learning fun

You can’t expect small children to absorb a scientific lecture, however well-informed you are. Turn it into a game, for example, you read out a statement like ‘Climate change could soon become irreversible’ and whoever shouts out ‘LIE!’ first wins a sweet. 

Scientists disagree about climate change

Despite what greens say, scientists disagree about climate change. You’ve probably got your own examples, but I recommend Dr Duane T. Phipps of The Christian University Institute of Alabama who’s got a PhD and a web page about climate lies. Okay, his PhD is in sport science, and he thinks climate scientists are paedophile Devil-worshippers, but he’s still a top scientist. 

Get the right educational resources

I’d recommend YouTube clips of Julia Hartley-Brewer, articles by Daily Mail intellectual Melanie Phillips, interviews with Nigel Lawson, the tweets of Jacob Rees-Mogg, and the words of Britain’s greatest politician, Nigel Farage. Make your kids study them for at least an hour a day and they’ll soon be more than capable of rebutting the lies of their Marxist teachers.