MEN aren’t known for their love of scented candles. Maybe that’s because the manufacturers aren’t using the right fragrances, like these…
Middle aged men have a strong affinity for products with a chemical toxicity: creosote, turps, petrol. A man who doesn’t notice his partner’s new perfume will easily distinguish which brand of gloss paint has been used just from the smell. Incorporate layers of solvents into a candle, light in a well-ventilated area and you’ll have a very happy man, and probably dead pets.
Anything being cooked or burned
Whether it be charred burgers on a barbecue or furniture on a bonfire, middle aged men love the visual and olfactory delights of heat and fire. A candle with the greasy scent of a distant burger van or cardboard boxes being burned in the back garden would be a must for Christmas stockings, especially if it took half an hour to light then became an uncontrollable inferno.
His own farts
Smelling their own farts is a lifelong hobby of most men, who like to savour what anal parfum they’ve crafted today. Obviously a candle reeking of other men’s farts would be horrible, so it’s a bit of a non-starter in mass production terms for Yankee Candle.
Brings back the heady, carefree days when men fell in love with the first girl to pay them any attention. And you’ll never forget the fragrance she wore – Tramp by Lentheric, Charlie, or the sophisticated Le Jardin by Max Factor. Stick those in candles and it’ll raise the sap in a middle-aged man quicker than a two-for-one offer in Halfords.
If a man has a lawn he will wax lyrical about its freshness when cut. If your partner needs to be distracted, you could light this candle and watch him over-dramatically filling his lungs and emitting an ‘Aaaahhhh’ as he says, ‘Freshly cut grass, can’t beat it!’ Basically catnip for dads.
As with farts, men take great pleasure in testing the quality of stench from various bodily areas, whether a gentle scratch and sniff of the arse-crack, or deep inhalation of a sour armpit. If Gwyneth Paltrow can release a ‘This Smells Like My Vagina’ candle, it should be easy to capture the male market with: ‘Jesus It’s Like Something Died Up There’ or ‘Mings Like My Little Unwashed Soldier’.